What does it feel like after 2 years?

I was laying in bed last night and remembered that exactly 2 years ago (on new years eve), we told our best friends that we were ready to start a family and were going to start trying. How can that be? I remember hitting the one year marker of trying to conceive and thinking to myself how impossible the thought of doing this for 2 years seemed. I actually had a thought in my head at that time along the lines of -- "wow, those poor people that have to do this for 2 years, that has to be rough". I had absolutely no idea we'd be in that category someday. And the hardest part is that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Life is hard sometimes. I know last year I had a really tough time at Christmas. This year, it wasn't as difficult... maybe that's what happens over time. Maybe you slowly have time to accept what could be your fate and get used to the idea. Who knows...  I have had my fair share of moments this month tho. A good friend of ours is pregnant with #2 - we're happy for them obviously, but of course there are the ever nagging twinges of wondering why that can't be you. Then a friend of those friends who sort of have become our friends announced they were expecting with a cute photo on facebook of her belly with a tag on it saying not to open until July. That was a tiny stab to the heart as well.

You see, I'm happy about where we're at... we're focusing on our finances and that's what needs to happen right now. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to see things like that and it doesn't mean that it isn't something that I still hold on to hope that we'll be able to do. It's a very very strange thing and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this position.

All I know is that when they say that when you finally stop trying, that's when it happens -- they are lying. Whoever had that happen, it was pure coincidence. People used to tell us that all the time when I told them we were done with IUIs and doctors appointments. Now they are silent. They've all watched the months roll by and know that it should have happened by now.

Life is tough, that's for sure. Some people have it so easy. They decide they want kids, they try, they conceive, and it happens. It's what I would call, meant-to-be. Am I not meant to be a mother? I'm not sure... I guess that question is still to be answered.

I was at my aunt-in-law's house over the holidays and she has 2 adopted children. Well the one girl is from India and I've always sort of bonded with her - she's an artist as well and loves to show me her drawings. I was looking through her sketchbook and she had drawn a series of things with little sayings next to them. One of the sayings was "DNA does not make a family, love does". Ummm...cue the tears please. She's only 13, so I didn't want to start crying in front of her, but I honestly felt like that was a strong message I needed to hear. It was a beautiful moment. I sort of looked around and realized that not one person in that family treats her or her brother any different. Sure, they might "look" different than their mother/father, but they sure are loved and accepted like any other family member and without any questions about it. It's a really really beautiful thing and it made me realize that I do want to adopt. If in another year, I find myself back here on this blog in the same position, I think we may have to consider that option. But then of course, the hesitation starts when I think about the financial burden. How do you pay for something like that? Do you get a loan? Do you take it out of your 401K? I don't have the answers to any of that.... but I'll just hope and pray that our questions get answered and our family grows in the next couple of years.

So that about sums up where I'm at after 2 years of infertility. Fun right? ha..... At least we're not alone.

Update on Infertility Woes

I just wanted to write a quick little post to let everyone know I am still here and still surviving. I hate to just leave the blog after our decision to postpone trying for a bit. I'm still struggling through each and every month with plenty of things that pop up that make me cringe.

I was afraid that as the days went on, I'd feel some sort of remorse or resentment or something growing inside of me. I felt I would want to go back to the fertility doctor and get back to what I "knew" to be my life for so long. What is weird is that hasn't been the case. I have yet to miss my days filled with doctor phone calls and appointments to be poked and prodded. What I do miss is the increased chance of conception. My hubby and I are still trying... but without the medications and helpful placement of sperm, what are the chances of it working? I'm not sure - but I don't let myself go to that place too often. I remind myself of all of the beautiful stories out there of people who have conceived after receiving the most dismal news from their doctors. It's still possible, it's always possible. Never give up.

The holidays are a rough time for me. While I'm thankful that I can indulge in alcoholic beverages, I am somewhat sad that we still don't have a family to start new Christmas traditions with. But that is life and those are the cards we've been dealt so far.

As time goes on, I've become more and more open to the idea of adoption. I know that when the time is right for us, we'll know and we'll move forward with it. Sometimes I wonder tho, will we get too used to our life as just the two of us? I still have moments when I think, I'll never be a grandma - or - who is going to take care of me when I'm old? Those thoughts scare me and I'm not really sure what to do with them.

I wish I had more money. I feel like these next few years while we wait to see what we decide to do should be years that we spend traveling and enjoying our freedom. Unfortunately that costs $$$$ and unfortunately our savings account got depleted this year. I really have no regrets from it, but I will be looking forward to the day when we aren't putting so much money away into fertility and student loans. THAT will be the day of freedom for us.

Well I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving and a very Merry Christmas if I don't talk to you again.
Enjoy your moments with your loved ones!

Is Infertility Genetic?

I found out some interesting information this weekend and it got me thinking whether infertility is passed down through generations? 

We went to my hubby's Grandmother's house to do some painting and fixing of her garage this past weekend. He has an aunt/uncle who live further away that came and since we don't often get to see them, we usually get together on the nights they are here. We were sitting around the dining room table and somehow my hubby's Grandma started talking about babies ... she continued her stories and told me how it took her and her husband 5 years to conceive their first child. FIVE! And back then they didn't have all of these pain-in-my-butt fancy shmancy fertility treatments, so you were pretty much on your own to keep going and keep your fingers crossed. After those 5 years, she popped out the others fairly quickly (she went on to have 3 children). Is this giving you hope yet? Because in a strange way, it did for me.

This side of our family really hasn't known much about what's going on with us. His Aunt asked one day if we were trying or not and I told her yes, but that was the extent. I've been feeling the eyes on me every time they ask if I want a glass of wine ever since. Needless to say, I really wanted to fill them in on our situation - so I took my opportunity. Everyone was pretty shocked and saddened, but that turned into everyone sharing their infertility experiences. I sat and listened.

Grandma: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 after 5 years.

Aunt #1: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 fairly easy. Baby #2: had to be on clomid to achieve pregnancy. Took 5 years.

Aunt #2: Didn't conceive baby 1 until she was 35. Had terrible pregnancy, so adopted 2 children after this.

It got me thinking about genetics and infertility. Technically, my husband's dad did not have any trouble conceiving my hubby and his sister. So.... would his aunts/grandma really affect him? And believe me, I'm not trying to place any blame on any one person. We've done the tests.... and they say everything is fine with my hubby... and my eggs are dwindling. So if blame were to fall on anyone it would be me.

It's all very interesting to think about, but at the end of the day this story gives me hope. Yes, I might wind up being an older mother.... but none-the-less, I'm hopeful that I will still become a mother someday. Who knows if the AMH test I had was accurate. It was one blood test, on one day. I've never had an abnormal period.... so I want to believe that it was a fluke; something I can change. 

Some people just have to wait and try harder than others, but you just have to continue to have faith.

Feeling Guilty

I'm feeling really badly about my last post. It was a little "woe is me" and I don't want to be like that. I know it's not realistic to expect everyone to be on tippy toes around me with the subject of babies. I think I'm just struggling to figure out where my place is. I'm not someone who straight up knew I never wanted to have kids and I'm not someone who just hasn't been ready to try for one yet. I'm in that gray area that nobody really knows or talks about. It's not a fun place to be - you can't just straight up say "We've been trying for 2 years, and I mean REALLY trying - like spent ungodly amounts of money on trying - and we just can't get pregnant". That would probably be frowned upon & would make everyone feel awkward. But saying "we've been trying" doesn't accurately depict the situation. I don't want the "well sometimes it takes time" response that I got that one from my brother. "It took us 6 months to conceive your nephew, you know". ummmm.... thanks?

I just have to be prepared for these situations and enjoy life in the meantime. It's a tricky road to navigate, but I hope I get there eventually.

Bachelorette Parties & Baby Talk? Say What?

I had my future sister-in-law's bachelorette celebration last night and I just want to say that I really did have fun celebrating the night with her & what I'm about to write is just my way of reflecting and getting my feelings out on the page. I'm always afraid someone will find the blog and my writings will offend them or affect our relationship. So if you find this, please don't take it personally.

Anyway, I was pretty pumped about the night. We were going to have dinner with just the bridal party and then everyone was meeting up to go out in the city's downtown. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to face some baby demons on this night. It's a bachelorette party, afterall! Well, unfortunately, it started right at dinner. The bride to be is very excited about trying immediately for a baby. (They were pregnant once before, early in their relationship, and she had a miscarriage. So I'm genuinely excited for them and hope their dreams come true easily and without further heartache.) This got the conversation rolling and I proceeded to have to look at numerous phones with photos of the people's babies on them. Very slowly my heart started to hurt. Talk continued for another 10 minutes about kids... until.... one of the ladies announced she actually just found out she was pregnant. Cue the applause and oo's & ahh's. I don't even know this lady and the fact that she was announcing her pregnancy right in front of me still made me mad. HA! Doesn't she KNOW what I'm going through? It's funny how you think that everyone should know and be sensitive to what they choose to talk about in front of you. Now here starts the best part of the story.

The bride-to-be asked the pregnant lady, "were you guys trying??". ha.... yeah... you guessed it - here's her response: "No, we weren't actually. I have been on nuvaring and something came up where I needed to remove it & there was a 2 week period before I could get an appointment to put it back in, so we just did it without anything and VOILA, now here I am, pregnant".

Knife. In. Heart.

Up until this point I had been putting on the fake smile. The "oh woww... that's so exciting" and the "awww, your daughter is adorable". People would ask, "do you have any kids?" and I'd kindly respond "no, I don't". I was doing really really well! Until that comment. The ultimate knife-in-heart moment for an infertile. My smile turned to a "is it time to get out of here" look and I stopped giving a rats butt for the rest of the night.

I felt pretty alone that evening. I don't know if it was because of what ensued at dinner & how much it really affected me emotionally.... or if I just literally felt kind of alone the whole night. I still can't go to a bachelorette party without thinking about how disappointed I was after my own. People I truly care about and thought cared about me didn't show up and you'd think I'd be able to get over that, but it still hurts. Even my husband wasn't all too happy about that one - nobody from his family showed. And I'm pretty sure they like me.... but maybe not enough to celebrate that night with me. Who knows. I was just glad that I went and got to see her celebrate.

People talking over and over and over about pregnancy and attempting to get pregnant is so hard. Especially if they are someone who knows what I've been through. It's the biggest thing in my life right now.... It'll always be a wound I have and it'll always sting when things like this happen. I just want people to think twice about what they say when I'm around. I'm a pretty strong cookie... and I can handle a lot of stuff others wouldn't be able to in my shoes, however, my heart still breaks and I'm still human.... so a little respect in that area would be nice from time to time. My husband's family knows what we've been through. Well, not the full extent, but they know. And yet, they never ask me about it and they always pretend nothing is happening. My mother in law is always asking for a grandchild.... like it's something I should just be able to give her. And it should be. But it's not meant to be for us.

Tone Down the Excitement

As a bitter infertile....which I expect to always be a part of me....I get really pissed jealous when people talk to me about how excited they are to start trying for a baby. Anyone else out there like this???

I can soooo clearly remember that moment when my hubby and I decided it was officially "time" to start trying. We couldn't wait to go thru the pregnancy experience together, to see what our child would look like, to raise a little baby together. We were soooo excited, I remember literally wanting to tell everyone who walked by me that we were trying. HAHA So yes, I was also guilty of what I'm complaining about at one point. And that's why it hurts me so much right now.

These people get to be excited... and more than likely, everything is going to work out perfectly for them. It'll all be great and go according to plan and their excitement will eventually turn into love for their precious baby in which everyone will celebrate and love as well. Our journey took a different route, it was cut off. We've had to adjust and focus that love we once had for our unborn child on each other instead. It's not easy... especially when others are getting ready to start trying. I get so angry.... I want that moment again.

To All The Childless Peeps Out There

Enjoy your life.... enjoy the silence and moments to yourself you get through-out the day, every day.

I babysat this weekend. I love babysitting. You know why? I get to hand the kids back at the end of the day and that is Heeeaaaavennnnn.

I spent the entire day playing baseball, putting together 3 puzzles, getting bottles, getting cups of juice, slicing grilled cheese into triangles, playing run around for 5 minutes while the kids try to catch me and throw you in "jail". Yup, played that one over and over and over. How do parents do it? I really really actually wonder this. How do they have any time to themselves, ever?

I love these kids more than anything. But it kind of made me realize that maybe I'm actually not ready to be a parent. Maybe it is a good thing that this didn't work out the way we thought it would. I know you probably get used to it once you have a child... but I don't know that I'm ready to get used to it quite yet. I love not having a schedule and I love not feeling completely exhausted every day.

Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at your life, appreciating all of the good things you forgot you had.

Love This - A Little Humor & Insight

I just found this series on another infertile's blog.... ha.... it's amazing!

If you want a laugh during this journey, watch. If you want to know more about what it is like and the things we do, watch.

FIND IT HERE
"None in the Oven"

hmmmmm.... Monday Ramblings

There's something about fall that makes me sad I don't have a child. I think it's because it's the start of all of the fun family holidays... Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I loved these holidays growing up but the fun part has slowly started to fade as I've gotten older. Things just aren't the same when you're the one responsible for buying all of the presents for people. HAHA. I've always thought that when I have kids, it'll bring some of the magic back to these holidays. I couldn't wait to share in their excitement like my mom used to do with me.

So I'm having one of those down kind of days today. Just wishing I could dress my little baby up in the cutest little leggings and long sleeve shirts and socks... keep them all bundled up in adorable fall outfits & warm winter jammies. Cuddle them at night as I feed them a bottle. All of those things that I may never experience.

This is when I remind myself of my brother & sister-in-law. They are getting married in about a month and will be getting on the conceiving train immediately. I'm grateful that they live in town, so I'll actually have some family that I can be close with.... some nieces and nephews I can be close with. I can't wait for that. It actually was something I was secretly dreading for a while. I wasn't sure how I would react and I really didn't want to be jealous or upset that she was pregnant and I was not. I hate having those feelings. I think now that I'm on the road to accepting our fate, it makes it easier to embrace these changes that will occur someday. I can now look at their child as someone I can take care of and spoil. ......................annnnnnnd hand back when it starts crying hysterically. HAHA.

Good thing the holiday season is busy!

Random Friday Thought

I just had to write down that I love how pregnant people always say "I don't care, as long as it's a healthy baby" when you ask them what sex they are hoping for. It's like - really??? Do they really think that anyone thinks they AREN'T wishing for a healthy baby? Why do they even need to say that?

To me, that response is just as bad as the "just relax and it will happen" response.

We all know you have a preference for what sex it should be. It doesn't mean that if it doesn't turn out that way that you will not love your child. It's just a fun game to play.... so start playing.

That is all.
Happy Friday.

Youch!

Well, I'm at work this morning, so that's at least a good sign. I have been having cramp-like pains the last 2 days, every day I just assume the always-annoying-Aunt Flow was arriving soon. This morning was just like the other two days... woke up feeling a crampy feeling in my uterus. Went to the bathroom, no AF. oooookayyyy. So I started getting ready for work and something crazy happened that I've never experienced before. Sudden cramps. They started out normal but soon escalated to mind numbing, crippled over, sweat-down-my-back type of pains. What's happening??? It literally is the most intense stabbing pain ever and it feels like it's my uterus, but I suppose it could be my intestines too. TMI alert, I would go to the bathroom and it seemed to get better....slowly.....  So then I'd go back about my business (after downing some tylenol). I was almost done curling my hair when it hit me again. Same thing all over again -- this time worse.... I wound up laying on the floor praying the pain to go away. Finally I forced myself up and went to the bathroom again and once again it slowly got better.  ????? what the heck!

Maybe I should be calling a doctor or going to see someone, but so far it hasn't occurred a third time. I took another tylenol and I'm hoping that I'm safe now. People might look at me weird if I am curled up in a ball under my desk.

IF it does happen again, don't worry, I'm leaving work and I'll definitely be calling someone.

Lordy.... this better not be what it is like when AF arrives now.

Dinner Party Woes

I went back and forth for a while about writing this post. I'm always worried someone I write about will find this blog someday - and my anonymity will be ruined! haha..  So let me begin by saying that everything that happened to us last night was not anyone's fault. It's just something that my hubby and I are going to have to get used to... and that may take some time.

So we were invited to dinner at a friend's house over this labor day weekend. We got there around 3 and dinner wasn't until around 6:30 or 7. So that left lots of time to just hang out and chit chat. I used to love chit chatting over a bottle of wine - gossiping and talking about the Real Housewives. Unfortunately, this chatting has now turned to breastfeeding and your child's development. Phew! Lets just say last night was a true test for both me and my hubby. Our hosts have a one year old and the second guests have a 5 or 6 month old. So needless to say, there was a TON of baby/mommy/daddy talk. I learned something from this - something that makes me think we've made the right decision. I wasn't jealous. Talk of nipples changing (and not going back to normal by the way), dirty diapers, daycare problems, lack of sleep...etc. etc. Nothing about that left me going, "Oh, whyyyy why can't we have their life?!?!".

Now, saying that, it was still hard to listen to and figure out my place in the conversation. What the heck do I possibly have to contribute? I found myself silent for much of the evening, guzzling my glass of wine and stuffing my face with these delicious caramel chocolate chip bars. At one point, the younger baby started crying because he hit his head and the other child started crying because the other was. I walked over to my husband in the kitchen and he said to me, "at least we'll never have to deal with THAT". The crying continued for a while and in that moment, I was very happy for the first time to not have a child. Our life really isn't too shabby - we have all the time in the world to do the things we want to do. Like today - I slept in until 9, did some cleaning, now I'm blogging, and then I'm going to do some trashy TV watching. HAHA

Have you had to conquer the dreaded mommy/daddy dinner party yet?

A Fork in the Road

This weekend was a pretty big weekend for us. It's like everything coming together and you've been holding your breath for forever and can finally exhale and relax. Yup, Just Relax. The two dreaded words I hated for the longest time.... and will probably continue to hate the rest of my life. But it's exactly what I plan on doing in the next few months.

The hubby and I had a talk this weekend. We went to a friend's birthday party (on my birthday, by the way). They had just built their new house and bought all new furniture for it, so they were ready to show it off so to speak and have a little party there. I'm jealous. My hubby and I have talked about building a house for what seems like 500 years now, but as always, finances get in the way. We're still working on paying off his student loans and to do that, we're putting away almost $500 a month so that in a year or two we can just pay them off in one big chunk. This is in addition to paying the $500 we pay towards them. So needless to say, in 2 years, we'll have an extra $1,000 every month that we're not spending anymore. HALLELUAH! But I want that new house now.... I want to move forward with our life right now. No more of this "well, we have to save another $1,000 for our fertility treatments this month". I can't tell you how frustrating it is to feel stuck. Stuck in infertility hell.

So yeah, there was that.... and did I mention it was my birthday? My..... 30th..... birthday. I'm not sad about this.... I really don't feel anything about it to be honest. BUT, I spent a good 2 years building up to this number telling myself I neeeeeeeeeded to have a baby by the time I was 30. When mathematically I knew that wasn't going to happen, that switched to I neeeeeeeeed to be pregnant when I turn 30. Why do women do this to themselves? Maybe this pressure I felt deep down was preventing us from achieving that dream. Who knows.... all I know is it didn't happen. And you know what? It isn't the end of the world ladies.

I turned 30 & we decided to stop all fertility treatments. I finally feel at peace. Of course, I told my hubby, there's a good chance that when January 1st rolls around, I will want to try an IUI again. I just need a break... my body needs a break... my mind needs a break. Hopefully when these 4 months pass, I will have a better understanding of what I want or what I need in life. I've been so confused the last few months. Do I want a baby? Do I want to get our life more settled first? Will it be possible for me to have a baby if I hold off until later? Am I okay with adoption if that happens? sooooo many unanswered questions that I need to figure out. But I really want to just enjoy life.... enjoy the holidays.... enjoy my husband... do things for US instead of spending all of our money on things that aren't working.

Now, don't get me wrong... I am going to continue to take my supplements and I am going to begin exercising.... and just taking care of myself. Maybe just maybe, our little miracle will happen on its own. And if that happens, it'll be a sign that I was meant to be a mommy & I will fully embrace that roll.

I'll keep you in the loop as to my feelings during this time. Should be interesting!!! Stay tuned.

Clomid Cysts: SUCK IT!

Ouch.... I'm in pain..... lots and lots of period cramping pain. WHYYYYY?

I called my doctor yesterday and they want me to just wait until this new period is over and I get my next one to do anything new. Yippy fricken skippy. They didn't seem to be concerned at all that I'm bleeding only 8 days after my last period. And it's not just bleeding, it's reeeeeeeally bleeding.

That's right people, I'm going to talk openly about my period - deal!

I changed my tampon just 2 hours after putting it in and I had already leaked. Awesome. It's only 9:15 in the morning here at work. I am hurting and have no medication here with me. I'm a very smart lady.

Oh, and when I went to use the bathroom here at work, it was out of order. Love that.
Can I just go home and lay in bed please??????? If I had vacation to burn, I'd seriously consider it.

...til next time.

Flip Flopping

I woke up this morning with cramps. Period cramps. TMI ALERT (look away!) : I have had blood on my toilet paper the last few days whenever I wipe. There's no sign of anything on my underwear and I wasn't having any pain anywhere, until today. Today there are cramps - I know these well. So what the hell is this? I just had my period 2 weeks ago. I'm on CD14 right now - right when I'm supposed to be ovulating! The only thing I could think of was that maybe I am trying to ovulate but the cyst is in the way? causing cramping and bleeding? Is that even possible? OR -- my body is just so messed up that now I'm starting to get irregular periods. Great.

This whole situation has begged the question: When do you know it's time to call it quits?
I think I'm ready. I really do. I don't want to go to another doctors appointment. I don't want to have another ultrasound unless it's because we're checking to see the sex of our baby. I don't want to have to keep track of what freaking cycle day I'm on today. I'm so sick of it all.... I'm done.

And now enter the other side of my brain: NO! You just spent HOW MUCH MONEY on all of those tests just so you COULD do IUIs. You're going to give up at just one IUI??? You need to give it more of a chance. Plus, you did buy that shot for your IUI that was canceled. That $100 shot. Do you want to just throw that away? Maybe that shot is a sign that you need to stick it out for a few more months.

AHHHHH - seriously, how do you know when it's the right decision to just be done?
Is it stupid to let financial things decide whether you go on or stop?

Mentally, I'm finished. Practically, I think it's silly to stop after everything we've done thus far.

I'm just so torn. And with this whole period thing happening now, I just don't even want to care anymore. I would normally cry when something like this happens. I'd be all "why is my body failing me? why can't anything be simple? why do I always have to suffer?" ..... but now, I just feel nothing. I literally have no feelings about it.

How did you know it was time for you to take a break or to be done with medical procedures?

Where Are The Well-Wishers?

An interesting thing happened to me that I was thinking about it this morning & thought I'd share.

An acquaintance of mine - someone I really don't know very well - contacted me because she had some leftover fertility medication that she wasn't going to use & wanted to see if I'd be interested. Now, I totally declined this offer because it just seems strange to me to buy someone else's leftover meds. I feel like everything is very customized to each persons situation... and these particular ones were injectables, something I don't think I'll ever need to be on.

So anyway, we were texting back and forth the other day about this. She would ask me things like "who do you go to?" and "how long have you been trying" and "what did they find wrong?" - phew, loaded questions for someone I don't even hardly know (she's a friend of a friend). I'm a pretty open book, so I responded, answering her questions. Then she told me how they are doing IVF. I responded that she's so lucky - I wish I could do IVF, but we can't afford it. She said they couldn't either, but his parents paid for the whole thing. How lucky is that? After corresponding back and forth for a while, I said something along the lines of "good luck to you guys, I'm going to be thinking positive thoughts for you & I hope you get your happy ending". She responded that on wednesday they got the news that the IVF worked (that means she's pregnant right?). So of course, I responded and told her how happy I was and blah blah blah. You know the drill.

And that was it.

The conversation ended there.

WTF!

Where were my well wishes from her? Clearly I need them more than she does at this point.... but nope.... I got nothing.

I get that this process isolates you and it makes you get into your own head a little too much sometimes. It's normal to start thinking only of yourself and your own situation... however, a little humility and humbleness never hurt anyone. You need to still be aware of the struggles others around you are going thru. It always seems this is a journey of "my infertility story trumps YOUR infertility story". Really? Does it really have to be that way? Hurt is hurt.... pain is pain.... heartache is heartache. Get over yourself. You shouldn't leave your fellow infertiles in the dust as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. I picture her saying "Sweet! I'm done with you! So long suckerrrrssssss!".

Ouch! Cysts Suck

I'm sitting here in extreme pain right now. I have no idea if this is my cyst rupturing or what it is.... but there's so much pain on my left side that I don't want to move.

I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound to see if the cyst on my right ovary was gone. The lady started doing the ultrasound and - SURPRISE - there was a huge cyst on my left ovary now. The right one had shrunk and was almost gone. So, we get to have another month break from trying. That's both frustrating and relieving.

I really feel like I need to get off this Clomid. I really don't think I ever got cysts prior to going on this medication. They hurt. This isn't fun at all.

I hope this doesn't last much longer.

So Excited! Successful IUI Story

I belong to an IUI/IVF support group on BabyCenter - which is amazing by the way. No matter what you're dealing with, you can always find a group on this site with a LOT of people going through the same things you are.

Anyway, there's a particular member on there that has been trying her hardest to become pregnant. She's gone thru so many ups and downs and this month was a very important one for her. It was her last attempt at getting pregnant. No more IUIs for her and no chance of  IVF happening either (very similar to my situation). Because I have a cyst, I hadn't been checking this site too much this month. I decided the other day I should log on and see if there was any good news for any of these ladies. And guess what........ SHE'S PREGNANT!

How freaking amazing is that?? I seriously wanted to jump up and down when I read that she saw a line on her pregnancy test. It's like you can just feel their excitement and it's just so great seeing a positive outcome for someone.

She listed some of the things she did this month:
• Read every positive IUI story
• Read the book Being Fruitful
• Listen to fertility affirmations every night via itunes
• Date of IUI: eat eggs for breakfast, drink grape juice & eat fruit
• Take cough syrup
• Treat life like you didn't have an IUI - drink, move around until day 11 or 12 and then test

Not sure if any of these are what did it for her - but I'm sure as heck giving it a try next month if we're lucky enough to try again.

Ultrasound Disappointment

Well, I'm exhausted. I'm at work right now but I just can't seem to get myself in the mood to do any of the things I need to. It just all seems so silly. So I'm writing this to get my feelings out and hopefully I can move on from this and feel better.

Day 12 ultrasound showed that I have a very large cyst on my right ovary. First she looked at my lining -- which was at a 10 this time (6 last month), so that was one positive. Then she looked at my left ovary and my fingers were crossed for good results this month. It showed only 2 follicles & they didn't look very large. She then moved over to my right and this HUUUGE black mass filled up the screen. I was like - "that looks like a ginormous follicle" and she told me it was a cyst. My heart sank. I had read a lot about women who developed cysts from their medications and how if that happens, the cycle is cancelled. I wanted to cry.

My nurse said that she'll have to pass the info on to my doctors and see what they think we should do in the future. I think they may switch my medication (from clomid) or have another suggestion on what might work for us. Then day 3 next cycle, I go back in to see if the cyst has decreased in size or disappeared. It could take 1-3 cycles for it to go away on its own (UGH!). I'm so ready for this process to be over.... I just don't want to deal with this any more. But as I say that, I realize it's something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. There's no escaping that we can't have children of our own. I'll be reminded of it pretty regularly and it's just something I'll have to accept and deal with when those moments happen.

I really am lucky to have an amazing and supportive husband. He was so concerned about me after finding out what happened this morning. He said he doesn't care about any of the baby stuff, just that I'm going to be okay. I think he associates cyst with cancer. I may end up having surgery to remove it, and that frightens him as well. He's such a good guy..... I could have NEVER gone thru this with anyone else.

I cried a lot on the drive home from my appointment. I cried at the thought that someone out there (God? If there is a God) is telling me I'm not meant to be a mom. I mean, that's truly what it feels like. We're being so proactive to make this happen and every single step along the journey there's some kind of hang-up. It's just the most heartbreaking thing you can go through. I honestly don't know how people do this for years and years and years. We're inching closer to the 2 year marker and there's no way I'm doing this for the rest of the year. I just can't. If the cyst is still there next month, I think we'll seriously consider moving forward without a child (or explore other options to getting one).

All I know is that I hope others never have to experience anything like this. I love my husband, all I want is to see him as a father.... a father to our child. I can't tell you how hard it is to accept that this dream may never become a reality.

Fertility Supplements (especially for DOR)

I've been wanting to write this post for quite some time and finally took the time to take photos for it this afternoon. Supplements.... it's hard to know what to take and what not to take when trying to conceive. I finally had to go out and buy a huuuuge pill box to accommodate all of the pills I am taking and my husband loves to make fun of it.

If you're anything like me, you'll do whatever you can to help you conceive. Sometimes that means taking 10 pills a day. So here is a rundown of everything I'm currently taking:

CoQ10: 400 mg
This is great for improving egg health and egg quality. This is great for women like me with a diminished ovarian reserve. It also has lots of other healthy benefits, so go grab some today!

Prenatal Vitamin
The importance of this is well known to all women trying to conceive. You just need to take one... period.

DHA
This lovely wonder is included in my prenatal vitamin package to be taken along w/ the normal vitamin. It has been shown to increase the number and size of follicles.

Vitamin D: 5,000 IU
This one is extremely important as well. Research has shown that if you have low vitamin D levels, you are likely to struggle with infertility. It helps IVF outcomes, endometriosis, & PCOS. It also helps regulate other reproductive hormones in your body.

Vitex: 800mg 
This one I suggest cautiously. You need to do your research to see if you think it is worth taking or not worth taking. There are a lot of conflicting reports out there about vitex - either you love it or you hate it. Vitex helps with hormonal imbalances in the body. If you have poor progesterone levels, this would be a great pill to take. My progesterone is still low (even when being on this) but it is still better than it would be without it.

DHEA-25
This amazing little pill counteracts the effects of aging. YIPPY! If you have very little eggs left (low AMH #), this would be a great pill to add to your daily routine. Prof. Adrian Shulman did a study recently about the effects of DHEA with infertility and he found that women taking this supplement were 3 times more likely to conceive than those not taking it. I've also read that this will improve the quality of your eggs.

 
The other thing I try to include in my daily life is royal jelly. If you choose to try this one, make sure to look for the REAL form. Do not take it in the pill form because it just isn't as effective that way. I found this jar at a local health store and they put it in honey which makes it taste delicious. I put a teaspoon-tablespoon of it in my morning tea. Royal jelly has been known to increase the quality of your eggs. It's also an AWESOME health food with lots and lots of benefits, so you really can't go wrong here.

Now there's one last thing that I have been debating on giving a try for a while. I haven't opened the bottle yet (in case I want to return it) because I'm still researching whether it is worth it to try or not.
Wild Yam.

This is supposed to act as progesterone in the body. This can help w/ the phase in your cycle after ovulation and it can also help with women who have suffered miscarriages. I just haven't decided if this one is necessary yet and I don't like to add things into the mix unless I'm certain it will be beneficial for me.

Do you have anything that you take regularly to help with infertility? I'd love to hear your suggestions!

Sadness This Morning

Just took the pregnancy test & got a big fat Negative. boooo. I almost had myself convinced it was positive due to my lack of symptoms this month. I always have sore boobs from O until my period arrives, but this month there was nothing. I guess I can chalk that up to lack of progesterone in previous cycles & since I was on progesterone suppositories this month, it probably helped with that.

Last night we went to a friends house for dinner & fireworks and they grilled chicken & veggie kabobs. It all looked sooo good and I literally went to eat the chicken and as soon as I started chewing, I nearly threw up. Then immediately from there on out, I felt sick and like I wasn't very hungry. Explain THAT. After that happened, I thought for sure I was pregnant.

I'm of course disappointed, but I am ready to move on to this month as soon as we can. They say your best chances are with IUI #2 and IUI #3... so I really hope they are right. Fingers are crossed that IUI #2 works. I can't imagine going into IUI #3 knowing it is our last one.... ugh..... talk about crazy pressure. Oh well, I just have to keep reminding myself that what will be will be.

Looking forward to starting this process over again....I think.

We're leaving for a family vacation tomorrow, so it is actually really good timing. I'll be able to relax and read and just regroup (um, and drink mojitos with my mom) haha. So not everything is bad about the situation.

10dpiui

So I'm only 10 days past the IUI right now and I have to say that the wait is officially driving me crazy. They want you to wait until at least 14 days to take a test but the closer that day gets, the more and more I want to test early.

I'm not feeling anything right now besides bloating (really big belly!) & gas.... well, and sleepiness I guess, but I'm always sleepy. And the bloating could be the result of the gas. I'm thinking I might be out this cycle because I really expected to be feeling a little soreness in my boobs and all that fun stuff. I'm having a little cramping right now, but did I mention I have gas? (haha)... so it is probably just from that. Hard to tell but you can make your mind think anything.

Gosh I hope this is it.... I really really do. It would be such an amazing feeling. I belong to an IUI support group & nobody on there waits to test. Lots of ladies tested early and lots have gotten faint lines that continue to get darker as the days go on. I want that so badly! Good thing I dread the negative result or I'd be testing every day.

Well, 4 more days.... I can do this.

...I Take it Back

It seems bills always come on Saturdays and we haven't received one in quite some time so I knew they were building up. I went to the mailbox knowing there'd be something there for us today. I was right. It was a bill for the hospital stay part of the HSG. This is the most expensive part of the procedure - $1200.

I'm doing the BIGGEST happy JIG EVER right now because....... UMR negotiated a discount for us. What the what??? And hold on to your pants because it is a $900 discount. WOOO! We are responsible for just $250. I am the most excited I've been in a long long long time. Now that's $900 we saved that we can put towards an IUI (well, IF we have to... lets hope I'm preggers already).

I just have to share a little story from today. I found a website a few days ago for a whole foods store in a town not too far from where I live. So I asked my hubby if he was up for an adventure today & asked if he'd want to come with me to check it out. We've really been wanting to eat meat that is locally raised and butchered in a humane way. So we get to the store and go to the meat section and they have 3 burgers for around $8, a $15 steak, & a whole chicken for $8.50 (among other random items). I just figured we haven't cooked a whole chicken for quite some time, so lets try that. Ummm.... well..... turns out it was $8.50/lb. Yup.... this was the tiniest little whole chicken ever and it cost us $17!!! GULP.....  I literally only some kale, popcorn, cucumber, apples, salsa & the chicken and our total bill was $45. Talk about buyers remorse! At least I know we supported something important but I think I'll be going to the farmers market from here on out. AND after shopping, we tried out a restaurant we've been wanting to go to. They had a special we both wanted to try (no price listed) so we both took one of those. Our bill came and it was $70. FOR LUNCH!!!! We just laughed it off, but we weren't having a very "frugal" day, that's for sure. (ps, the lunch was amazing.... best thing I've eaten in a long long time).

Fast forward to now and we just saved $900. Makes that chicken & lunch sound not so terrible.

UMR, you really aren't so bad afterall.

P.S. I am 7 days post IUI and I'm going crazy. Only one more week and we'll know whether it worked or not. I know implantation doesn't occur until 7-10 days after, so I'm trying to stay positive. EEE!

IUI #1 - what is it really like?

We can check one more accomplishment off the list... Artificial Insemination. HA! Wow, I just had a moment of "is this really my life" as I wrote that. I used to hear about IUIs when I was younger (in movies and such) and had no idea that this would actually be something I'd have to do. So strange how life is.

We had our IUI on Saturday morning. The morning started out as a race against the clock. We had to be at the hospital w/ the "specimen" at 7am, so we showered the night before, woke up at 6 am & got dressed. Before we knew it, it was almost 6:30 and my husband knew it was time for him to get down to business. I imagined me being a part of this part of the story... helping in some way or another.... BUT, the hubby was just like "I'm going into the bedroom now" and he shut the door. HAHA! I didn't want to make him any more nervous than he already was, so I just let him do what he was comfortable with. It took 5 minutes or so... maybe longer.... He told me after that he was JUST about to call me in because it wasn't working. Enough about that tho....

Once we had the "specimen", we got in our car and drove as fast as we could. I stuck it between my legs to keep it body temperature. We live about 30 minutes away from the hospital and we were told the specimen couldn't take any longer than 30 minutes to get there. YIKES. When we got to the hospital, my hubby dropped me off at the door so I could run up to the andrology lab instead of waiting for him to park and everything else. I'm pleased to say we made it in exactly 30 minutes. At that point, it was time to wait an hour and 45 minutes while they "washed" the sperm. It was breakfast time for us, so we went to Perkins and just enjoyed a nice meal together while we anticipated what was to come. After wasting some more time driving around, we went back to the hospital to wait.... UGH.... the waiting was the worst that day. We went back up to andrology and picked up the freshly prepared "specimen". It's pretty interesting. They take the sample and get rid of all of the "bad" sperm and keep the good ones.... these go into this vile. Then there's a second vile of pinkish liquid that goes with it. I wasn't sure what that was until later.

We then took this to our nurse and paid for the procedure. We both went into an exam room and she got right to work. It took a while to find my cervix (ouch!) and then she entered the catheter. The catheter already had the sperm sucked up inside -- which brings me back to that pink fluid. Before sucking up the sperm, she sucked up the pink fluid in the catheter. This was to make sure it was working and there were no bubbles. Then she spits that back out and draws up the sperm. Weird...
Well, back to the good stuff -- she then inserted the sperm very very slowly. Once that was done, I was told to lay on the table (pillow under pelvis, no pillow under head) for 30 minutes. She turned on a CD of classical music.... and my husband entertained me. He kept making me laugh -- looking at old stupid photos of me on his phone. I kept yelling at him because I wasn't supposed to use those muscles in my stomach. HA.... He's such a good guy tho. There with me thru it all.

I didn't want to get up when the 30 minutes was up. My husband even dressed me ON the table while I was laying down. HAHA! Eventually I knew we'd be kicked out, so I got up and surprisingly, nothing came out.

We made our way home and pretty soon after, my left ovary (the one w/ all the follicles) started hurting really bad. They put all of the sperm on that side since it was the one w/ the eggs that would be released - and wow, it really hurt! I was in some pretty intense pain. Luckily, I was told to lay on the couch for the rest of the day, so we stopped and grabbed a movie on our way home. I laid my butt on the couch and really enjoyed being lazy. That only lasted until 1:30ish because we had a graduation party to go to that day (blah, bad timing!). As soon as the party was over, I came right back home and laid down again.

All-in-all, it was great. Everything went really well and I'm feeling pretty good about everything. I haven't had any symptoms or felt anything since that day of extreme cramps on that side. Still waiting for SOMMMMETHING to happen. Will keep you posted!

IUI cycle #1

I haven't done the best job of documenting this cycle - which is a shame since it is my first IUI everrrrrr. So exciting people!!

Let me catch you up real quick. I took clomid day 3 to day 7. On day 12 I had a baseline ultrasound done to check out the size of my follicles and just to see how well I responded to clomid. This was my very first cycle ever taking a fertility drug, so you just never know how it will go. The ultrasound showed that I had 6 follicles on my left ovary and 4 on my right. YIPPY! I was so relieved when I saw her counting out those dark areas on the ultrasound. I really didn't know what to expect. So, from there, they take the 3 largest follicles and count out what day they will all be around the 21mm mark (at least that's what I think she said).... Apparently follicles grow 2 mm every day? or maybe every other day? I need a better memory! In the meantime, I had received this HCG drug & syringe in the mail. Let me tell you, there's nothing more scary than knowing that you are going to have to give yourself a shot. And in a way, it's even more scary having to trust someone else to do it for you. This shot is a trigger shot and I needed to take it on day 15 (which was last night). Here it is ladies.....

 

GULP! This shot is given when your follicles are estimated to be their largest and it then triggers your body to ovulate. The nurses knew I would ovulate 3 sizable eggs this cycle. THREE! I can't believe that there will be three targets for those sperm to hit. How strange is that thought? 

Last night my husband injected the medicine into my buttcheek. I can't tell you the amount of psyching myself up I did leading up to this. But take it from me - if this is your first time ever having one - don't be nervous. It seriously was not terrible at all. I was grasping onto our comforter and saying "I'm ready, just do it quick!" and then a few seconds later, "is it in?" haha....   My hubby was a champ! I know he was super nervous and didn't know if he could do it, but he did an awesome job. 

I feel a little cramping down there, but nothing too terrible today. I took an ovulation test this morning and it was super positive, so at least it is working!

Now tomorrow morning, we go in to have our IUI done. I can't tell you how excited I am about it.... I'm so hopeful for this cycle!! I just have this feeling that either this one or the next one are going to be "it". I can't believe we're so close!

Are those my Ovaries?

I started clomid 2 days ago and as I sit here at work, I swear I can feel my ovaries. HAHA! It is the most bizarre feeling because I usually can't "feel" them. But yup, I'm having some aching/growing-pain-ish feelings in both of them right now. So strange!!

I guess it means the meds are working.

woohoo!

Do You Ever Feel Like Your Body Is Failing You?

Yup, that's how I feel this morning. I started bleeding last night but stayed hopeful that maybe this was finally implantation bleeding. Unfortunately I awoke to a full blown aunt flow and I just can't help but think, what the heck went wrong?

We had that HSG this month. You hear all the time how people are especially fertile after having that procedure so you should take full advantage of that month. Which we did. I had the most clear positive ovulation test I've ever had this cycle. So I knew without a doubt when we were supposed to time intercourse. We did... 3 or 4 times. We followed the clinics guidelines exactly (while still keeping it fun) and yet, here we are.... no pregnancy. I just don't understand how that is possible.... why doesn't my body work?

I'm trying not to go to the dark place right now because I want to stay hopeful for this upcoming IUI cycle. Although, I don't even know if that's going to be possible anymore. Today is day1 of my cycle and they need to do an ultrasound on day 3. Well, day 3 will be on Saturday and I'll be in another state for a wedding. Should be interesting to see what they say when I call them today. Again, thank you oh so much body. That's wonderful that you decided TODAY would be the perfect day to bring on aunt flow.

Infectious Disease Testing

Well, hello there! I am in a terrific mood because I just had my very....last.....test..... EVER!

Yesterday my hubby and I went to the hospital to get our blood drawn and he gave his urine sample. Then this morning I had to give some cervical cultures and now we are officially DONE. I can't imagine what other "tests" they can possibly come up with for us to do. So I've decided to celebrate! This has been such a long neverending process - all just to get to the point where they would finally give us drugs and do something to help us get pregnant.

I should be getting my period this weekend (I find it a bit odd that I'm sort of sharing that detail w/ the world right now). HA! Blogs, such a weird thing....   Anyway, I should start my cycle either friday or saturday. Both days I will be out of town so it's a little scary since I think I'm supposed to start drugs on Day 3. I'm hoping for a period on Saturday or later so that I have enough time to get back into town and figure that all out.

I'm super excited! .... and I guess a little nervous because I wonder what Clomid will do to me. It seems different for everyone. But I've come this far, so I'm ready to take on whatever it throws at me!

Moving Forward with IUI

I had my phone consultation w/ our RE and all-in-all it went well. He said all of the tests we've had done look great. Of course he thinks IVF is our best route since I apparently don't have many eggs left, but my hubby and I already decided that we don't necessarily want to do that - or at least don't want to jump to that immediately. We'd have to take out a loan to do it and with our student loan debt still going strong, I just don't feel like that's a smart idea.

So - we're choosing to move forward with an IUI. Of course, this irritates my husband beyond belief. We just spent $3500 on "unnecessary" tests just to turn around and do the same thing we were planning on doing 2 months ago. Kind of sad when you think of it that way, but that's what we had to do in order to move forward, so it's a done deal. I don't think it is worth thinking or stressing out about anymore.

Now we just have to decide if we want to do IUI + clomid or IUI + injectables. Clomid is MUCH cheaper. The injectables are between $1500-2000 per month, and that's just for the drugs alone. I was 100% ready to proceed w/ injectables until I heard this. That means every month we do an IUI we'd be investing around $3,000. That would add up fast and in my head I'm thinking that would make IVF a better option.

This is the toughest position to be in. While I'm grateful we are being given the chance to still conceive our own child, I hate the fact that cost has to factor in to our decision. If I had a choice, of course I'd do IVF. If I had a second choice, I'd do injectables. But -- neither are really financially possible right now.

I decided I would do the clomid IUI and in the meantime, I'd work as much overtime as I possibly could and maybe I could save up around $2,000 to put towards the injectables for the next cycle. It's going to suck, but it would be worth the sacrafice.

That's all for now!
OH! wait -- there's more. I asked him about my "heart shaped" uterus and he said he thinks the x-rays look very normal and he doesn't see anything abnormal about it. So heck yeah!! Nothing like stressing out for nothing.

I just scared myself

During my HSG a couple weeks ago, they could see that my uterus is "slightly" heart-shaped. It wasn't brought up in great detail, just a quick, "as you can see your uterus is has a slight heart shape, and this is your fallopian tube...". So at the time, I thought nothing of it other than "aw, that's so cute - it's a heart shape waiting to love whatever finally gets to grow in it".

Well I finally had time to do a quick google search. YIKES! After seeing a few articles, I decided I need to NOT do that anymore and instead wait to hear what my RE has to say about my particular situation.

All of the articles out there talk about increased miscarriages, increased pre-term births, increased c-section births & increased diformaties in the child. Seriously - the internet is a scary place :(

I would pretty much die if after all of this struggle we've been having, we continue to struggle down the road. I guess I can't jump to conclusions until I hear from my Doctor - which is happening in 2 days. I can't wait!

HSG - Check!

I did it!!! I feel so proud of myself right now.... what a crazy and scary experience. Mainly it was scary because I had no idea what was going to happen or what to expect. I didn't really do a TON of googling prior to the procedure because I thought that might help.... I'm not sure if it did or not. I just told myself there was nothing I could do about it, so why stress myself out.

Here's the rundown:
I was brought into the xray room by a nurse.... in the room was my doctor and another woman about my age and the ladies said they were there to be my moral support. Moral support?! - I didn't know it was scary enough for me to need THAT. My husband came with me, I thought that would be enough.

Next, they had me change into a hospital gown and take off my bottom half of clothes. Then I hopped up onto the end of this long xray table and they had me lay down w/ my legs up on the edge of the table. I apologize for the TMI of this post, but I'm going to tell it like it is. I was on day 5 of my period, so it wasn't TOO terrible as far as bleeding. My doctor put the speculum in just like a normal papsmere. Then she said she needed to "clean up my cervix"... mmmm.... so she did some stuff down there for a while. The whole time I was thinking - HURRY UP AND GET THIS OVERWITH! Next, she inserted this catheter. I had a sheet up this whole time so I had no idea what was going on. When she did this, she said I should feel some cramping. I have to be honest, I didn't.... So then I was like, oooo awesome.... this is easy! I figured she was putting the liquid in. NOPE! not yet....

Next, the radiologist came in. Well, my doctor still needed to get the speculum out before I could move to have my photos taken. So she messed around w/ that for a LONG time. I have absolutely no idea what was happening. I'm assuming I was bleeding a little bit or something and she was cleaning that up? Anyway... she finally took the speculum out and the nurses all pulled me up higher on the table while I was laying flat on my back and my legs were down. I could feel that the catheter was still in place. The radiologist then started hitting the button to get pictures of my uterus and my tubes. And then it happened..... the liquid went in. I could feel it.....  I have to be honest ladies.... It HURT. Imagine bad period cramps... That's really what it felt like. :( The worst part is that you can't move. When I have cramps, I want to curl up into a little ball in the fetal position and I couldn't do that this time. So I began to grab and pinch my hospital gown. I just kept pinching and grabbing harder and harder. It probably only lasted about a minute at the most, but it was not fun.

Then they got pictures and the fluid just spilled out all over (meaning no blockages - HOORAY!).

Once that's over, they take the catheter out and you get to clean yourself up w/ a washcloth and they give you a pad to wear. I asked what happens to all of the liquid once it is in there and they said the body actually absorbs most of it.

There you have it! That is the HSG experience. Would I ever want to do it again? NO WAY! Was it completely terrible.... no....... Was it painful & unpleasant? unfortunately yes.

At least nothing was wrong... although my husband and I feel 2 ways about that. It's great news, however, we just wasted $3,000 to get that answer. I know it wasn't a WASTE. But dang it, it takes us a LONG time to save up that kind of money. And that would have been money well spent had we used it towards our future IUIs.

Oh well, it is done and at least I don't have any more tests to do. I am officially DONE WITH TESTS!

Baseline Ultrasound, one more test to go

Well, on Monday I had my first ever ultrasound. I will admit I always thought my first ultrasound would be when I was finally seeing my baby for the first time. Having it be like this was a bit disappointing and sad for me but I remind myself that it will be just as exciting when that day does finally get here.

Before going in, the idea of an internal ultrasound on day 3 of my period sounded completely horrifying. "I have to do what???" I whined. But I'm here to tell you that it isn't as nasty as it initially sounds. They had a bathroom right off of the room, so I was able to get changed and go potty right there in private.

The ultrasound tech was so nice. She went very slowly made sure to explain to me everything she was doing -- which was mainly measuring everything she found. This included my lining, cervix, ovary sizes, & follicle sizes. It probably only lasted around 10 minutes and then I was able to slip back into the bathroom where they had tampons for your use.

After, she told me the nurse would go over the results with me. I was so excited to hear what everything meant since I really didn't understand anything. I also have no idea what they were looking for. So -- I walked into the nurses office and she goes, "oh, no, I actually don't need to see you. I will fax these up to them this morning". I was thinking.... "them"? Who is that? I can only assume it is my RE who is in a different city. Not what I wanted to hear! I don't think she could go over the results with me because technically HE is my doctor now. ugh. So I am still in the dark about what the heck they found.

Tomorrow is my HSG. Holy crap I can't believe that this is actually going to finally happen. The sad part is that I'm more worried about forking out 3 grand than I am about the actual procedure. HAHA! I just get real nervous anytime we spend that kind of money. I'm also worried it isn't going to be what I'm expecting. I had a leep done about 7 years ago and had heard that the cramping after that is horrible. I was pleasantly surprised when I had no camping at all. So now I am thinking the same might be the case this time around.... right? I'm expecting to go in there and not have any cramping after. I think I might be dooming myself, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude here and not get too nervous about it. There's nothing I can do at this point and this needs to be done if I ever want a chance at having a child.... So - I'm all in.

WISH ME LUCK! EEEP!

I hate you UMR

UGH.... I was told last week that our tests coming up would count towards our insurance deductible. Now I just received a phone call and she said she talked to another lady at UMR and NOTHING is covered.

And I quote... "If it is for medical needs, it is covered. If it is for fertility needs, it is not covered".

SERIOUSLY INSURANCE, SERIOUSLY??????????!!!!!!

That makes sooooo much sense doesn't it?? For crying out loud... how is my body not able to have a baby because SOMETHING is wrong with it NOT medical. Why the **** do they think they can draw a line in the sand like that. It's just incredibly ridiculous.

I've never needed our medical insurance before, yet I pay in every damn month.... and now that I finally NEED it for something, oh yeah, sorry, you're not covered.

What is wrong with this country?!

Update Post-RE Visit

It has been a few days since we got to speak to the new RE and find out what he thought about our test results so far and what our plans could be for the future.

Guess what.....? -- More TESTS!

I think I'm just exhausted at this point and feel like I can't possibly put myself thru any more of these cycles where nothing happens. It's so so so frustrating. I have to have another blood draw so they can test my progesterone again since my previous doctor didn't keep a note about what cycle day it was drawn on. He just wants to be sure it is accurate. So that will happen this Saturday. Then whenever next cycle day 1 is, I have to call and schedule an ultrasound AND my HSG. The one thing we were trying to avoid is the HSG due to the extremely high cost of it in this area (ahem--2 grand). But of course he says he really needs me to do this test so they can eliminate that as a source of problems.

Time is of the essence since my AMH number showed that I have diminished ovarian reserve. So he doesn't want me to waste any time doing fertility drugs when it could just be a blockage that is preventing the pregnancy.

No fun -- I am definitely not looking forward to this. The appointment for him to tell us we need more tests in order for him to make a clear plan cost us $300. I mean, really? It's just so sad to me. There has to be millions of people out there in our shoes (or even worse off than we are) who are just wanting to have a baby. I'm working as much overtime as I can in order to hopefully put some of that towards these expensive tests, but I know I won't even come close to making what I need to any time soon. But what are you going to do? We HAVE to have the tests done if we want to move forward ... and we don't have the option of waiting until we have money saved since my eggs are dwindling.

Life I tell you -- just not easy is it?

I'll let you know how the tests turn out... hopefully they come out okay so we can just move forward and get this baby growing in my tummy :(

Good News!

I can't believe it took me so long to post this... what's wrong w/ me?

I received my FSH results. My doctor called me back and left a message to let me know she had the results. Then she called me a second time and said that she discussed my results w/ the RE I am seeing this week to see what he thought and he decided that she should order a few more tests from the blood they drew, so she went ahead and ordered those right away.

So at this point, I was panicking... That can only mean one thing, right? BAD NEWS. I was so scared to call her back. I called as I was walking to a private conference room here at work and she said "well, I have some good news". Right then and there, I almost peed my pants. I said "GOOD NEWS?!?!?!.... did you say, GOOD?!". She let me know that my FSH number came back at an 8.6. I believe you want this to be around a 6 normally.... but she told me this is great news. Apparently things only get super tricky once the number is 10 or above.

Get this -- she actually said, "I don't think it is going to take too much to get you pregnant". I responded to that with, "so do you think IVF won't be the only option?" and she said she's certain he'll want to try other things first. YAY YAY YAY!

I had THE BEST week after hearing that news. I feel so relieved and so happy and again hopeful for the future.

My hubby and I are all ready for our appointment on Thursday. We're so excited.

Meanwhile, medical bills just keep rolling in. But you know.... who cares, as long as we have a happy ending to this story.

AMH Test Results & FSH Test

Phew, what a few days it has been. I had a pretty crazy weekend. On Friday, I decided to call up my doctor and just see what my actual AMH number was....  gulp......  During the phone call on Wednesday, she stated that my number was "a little low". So I was asking the question under the assumption that it wouldn't be that bad. Imagine my shock when she said "yeah, it was less than 0.3.... you might be heading into menopause". ha.... say what?!

Okay, okay, I know.... I've done a LOT of research over the weekend and I know that the AMH number is just ONE part of a series of tests to tell you what's really going on. I'm trying not to focus too much on the number and from what I've read, I have age on my side. My first reaction to that news was bad... like, real bad... I went home immediately and sobbed for an hour on my lunch. Then had to pull it together & come back to work... where, once I was here, I cried from 2-4 at my desk. Most of that crying was good crying from the amazing emails I got from my husband. Something really special he said was this.... I want to sort of immortalize this response:

the things people talk about with raising kids are the times they had with them growing up. not the time spent carrying them or the fact that they had them naturally. what matters to me is the end result. whether it has our genes or not is no barrier to loving and raising a child and getting the same experience and enjoyment out of it that everyone else gets.

So true! It took me a good 15 minutes to get thru that tiny paragraph because I would cry at each word. He's amazing, just truly amazing.

Anyway, I was told that I should have my FSH tested on Day 3 of my cycle so they could compare the two numbers and get a better overall idea of what's going on. I have this dreadful feeling that it won't be good. I'm scared.... but it is happening tomorrow and they said they'd get the restults the same day. GULP. Fingers and toes are crossed.

Regardless of the results, I have read AMAZING stories of all kinds of people all around the world who had the same diagnosis and continued to go and have their own child naturally. Supplements seem to help, and some have had success from strong drugs and IUIs. I'm really really hoping we won't have to go the IVF route. I'm still so confused on whether IVF or adoption is the better route. I know it is a personal choice... but ugh.... I'm scared. I keep telling myself NOT to go there until I know I need to. 

If you read this, please keep me in your prayers... it is much appreciated!

I will update tomorrow with the results. I have to be at my appointment at 7:10 in a city that's 25 minutes away. UGH....early!

AMH Test Results

I got the phone call this morning. My AMH levels came back low which means my ovarian reserve is low which means, well, I'm not sure. Does it mean my eggs suck? I think that's what FSH tells you. Does it mean I don't have many eggs left - probably.

Wow... I would have never thought that at 28-29 years old, I would be facing this. It's hard to not let the test results define you and define your future. When I first heard, I thought, great.... they are going to tell us an egg donor is our only option. From what I've read online, that's not the case. I need to stay strong and hopeful.

Everything I learned in my last appointment is on hold. We won't be moving forward with any of those plans anytime soon, if ever. Instead, I have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in 2 weeks.

Is it weird that I always had a feeling deep down that something was off w/ my eggs and that was the problem? I really have... but nobody would ever test anything to do w/ that until I went to that last doctor.
I'm so grateful that she made that test happen. Now we know WHY this hasn't been happening.

I do love having an answer.

Renewed Hope

Hi Everyone! Long time, no posts....
I have a list of things I've been meaning to post about but just never seem to be able to find the time to sit down and write it all out. I have some books I need to tell you about and a new smoothie that I want to share. OH and I have a photo from my last acupuncture session which is pretty interesting. I guess you'll have to wait to find out more about that because this post is about something pretty important - HOPE!

I wrote earlier about how I went to a new doctor. What a great experience that was. If you're frustrated with your situation right now, I highly suggest seeing someone new. It really is refreshing and if you choose well, it can really show you what you've been missing. The new doctor suggested that we make an appointment w/ the fertility specialists that they work with. So yesterday morning, my husband and I made the 20 minute drive to go see them. This lady was absolutely WONDERFUL. She listened.... she explained.... she listened some more.... and we developed a game plan that I feel so great about.

Step 1: My next cycle I am going to take clomid. We'll have intercourse like normal and see if anything happens.

Step 2: Cycle #2 we might try clomid again. I am not sure I want to go much past cycle #2 w/ the clomid + regular intercourse because they say you shouldn't be on clomid for more than 6 cycles.

Step 3: Take a month off (no clomid... but continue to still "try" the old fashioned way). During this month, we will also have the HSG (dye test to look for blockages) done. I love this because even tho we will be taking the month off so-to-speak, we are still doing something to help.

Step 4: IF still not pregnant yet and IF the HSG shows everything is normal, I will go back on clomid + we'll do an IUI (artificial insemination). This way the sperm will be right where they need to be w/o having to do a whole lot of work.

Step 5: Another IUI?

Step 6: Another?

Step 7: unknown.... but I better have a freakin' baby by then!

I can't tell you how much better I feel just having some kind of plan for our future. I've had so many people tell me "just go on clomid, it worked for us". But because I'm ovulating like a normal person, my doctors would never agree to put me on this drug w/o doing further testing first. I'm so thankful that these doctors understand that my husband and aren't that well off & can't spend a bazillion dollars on this stuff (and want to avoid that if at all possible). The fertility specialist still needs to call my doctor and make sure she thinks this "game plan" of ours is the right course for us to be taking. AND they still need to get the test results from my previous doctor (since they still hadn't gotten these). Maybe that will tell them something that the other doctor didn't see.

OH - and I also had my AMH tested. This is a blood test where they can then tell what your ovarian reserve is.... aka, how many eggs you have left. THAT should be interesting to find out, but I'll have to wait 2 weeks for that news.

No matter how you look at it tho, the next few months are going to be pretty interesting. I am really looking forward to having more answers and to trying new things with this new found hope and zest for life I feel.

A Case of the What Ifs

Well, my appointment with the new doctor, Dr. Schmidt, was last night.

Let's start with the positives:

• Great hospital: large and very busy compared to the last hospital I went to. I even got lost looking for the office & ran into a very nice Indian surgeon who graciously walked me to the elevators I needed to take. Unfortunately, I don't think he knew what I meant when I said I was looking for Womens Health because I ended up in the ICU area. Yikes.
• Great waiting room: large, spacious, updated. They had a large saltwater tank as you walk in and as soon as I saw it, I knew it was meant to be. The front desk was nice and large and open.
• Wonderful staff: friendly & laid back.
• Lovely nurse: young & so so nice.
• Great doctor: listened to me, asked me questions, did a much more thorough breast exam than my past doctor. Also allowed me to get dress after the exam and she came back in so we could have a real conversation. She is really great.

Now onto the findings, which I wouldn't quite say are categorized as negative, but more that they weren't what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, Dr. Schmidt didn't have access to my previous health records so she was unable to see what tests we had already had done & what those results were. So we went over all of the things we've done & she suggested that I still have one more test. I forget the name, something long, but I think it is just a blood draw that tells you what your ovarian reserve is (how many eggs) and what the quality of those eggs is. I'll make an appointment for that sometime in my next cycle since I think it is supposed to happen on a certain day.

After this, assuming my eggs are fine, she wants to do an HSG. This is the same thing my previous doctor wanted to do and I was hoping not to have to. Looks like I'm all out of look and I'm okay with that. I'm ready to take this test on (mostly because of my amazing parents and their gracious offer to pay for it). IF the HSG shows no blockages, I will be put on clomid and she will pair that with insemination. IF the HSG shows a blockage, IVF will be the only resolve.

Hearing her say those 3 letters... ugh.... I sat there playing with my hands, picking at my fingers, to try to distract myself from crying. How could my life be coming to this? That's what I immediately felt. Her telling me that made me feel like that's exactly what would happen .... like that was out only option. Then I realized, hey, it could still happen naturally! Although, she did say that 80% of couples will get pregnant within 12 months & if you haven't yet and keep trying, your chances decrease with every month that passes. UGH.... talk about depressing. She wasn't trying to be rude or mean or insensitive by saying that. She was just informing me -- which she did a lot of in this visit and it was much appreciated. My previous doctor would just be like "okay, we'll do HSG next, here's the info, this is what it is, so call and schedule that". Done and done. This one maps everything out and tells you what each thing might mean for us. I love that.

So - I didn't get a miracle drug to take.... looks like we'll really have to work at this. But I'm ready. :-)