This weekend was a pretty big weekend for us. It's like everything coming together and you've been holding your breath for forever and can finally exhale and relax. Yup, Just Relax. The two dreaded words I hated for the longest time.... and will probably continue to hate the rest of my life. But it's exactly what I plan on doing in the next few months.
The hubby and I had a talk this weekend. We went to a friend's birthday party (on my birthday, by the way). They had just built their new house and bought all new furniture for it, so they were ready to show it off so to speak and have a little party there. I'm jealous. My hubby and I have talked about building a house for what seems like 500 years now, but as always, finances get in the way. We're still working on paying off his student loans and to do that, we're putting away almost $500 a month so that in a year or two we can just pay them off in one big chunk. This is in addition to paying the $500 we pay towards them. So needless to say, in 2 years, we'll have an extra $1,000 every month that we're not spending anymore. HALLELUAH! But I want that new house now.... I want to move forward with our life right now. No more of this "well, we have to save another $1,000 for our fertility treatments this month". I can't tell you how frustrating it is to feel stuck. Stuck in infertility hell.
So yeah, there was that.... and did I mention it was my birthday? My..... 30th..... birthday. I'm not sad about this.... I really don't feel anything about it to be honest. BUT, I spent a good 2 years building up to this number telling myself I neeeeeeeeeded to have a baby by the time I was 30. When mathematically I knew that wasn't going to happen, that switched to I neeeeeeeeed to be pregnant when I turn 30. Why do women do this to themselves? Maybe this pressure I felt deep down was preventing us from achieving that dream. Who knows.... all I know is it didn't happen. And you know what? It isn't the end of the world ladies.
I turned 30 & we decided to stop all fertility treatments. I finally feel at peace. Of course, I told my hubby, there's a good chance that when January 1st rolls around, I will want to try an IUI again. I just need a break... my body needs a break... my mind needs a break. Hopefully when these 4 months pass, I will have a better understanding of what I want or what I need in life. I've been so confused the last few months. Do I want a baby? Do I want to get our life more settled first? Will it be possible for me to have a baby if I hold off until later? Am I okay with adoption if that happens? sooooo many unanswered questions that I need to figure out. But I really want to just enjoy life.... enjoy the holidays.... enjoy my husband... do things for US instead of spending all of our money on things that aren't working.
Now, don't get me wrong... I am going to continue to take my supplements and I am going to begin exercising.... and just taking care of myself. Maybe just maybe, our little miracle will happen on its own. And if that happens, it'll be a sign that I was meant to be a mommy & I will fully embrace that roll.
I'll keep you in the loop as to my feelings during this time. Should be interesting!!! Stay tuned.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Clomid Cysts: SUCK IT!
Ouch.... I'm in pain..... lots and lots of period cramping pain. WHYYYYY?
I called my doctor yesterday and they want me to just wait until this new period is over and I get my next one to do anything new. Yippy fricken skippy. They didn't seem to be concerned at all that I'm bleeding only 8 days after my last period. And it's not just bleeding, it's reeeeeeeally bleeding.
That's right people, I'm going to talk openly about my period - deal!
I changed my tampon just 2 hours after putting it in and I had already leaked. Awesome. It's only 9:15 in the morning here at work. I am hurting and have no medication here with me. I'm a very smart lady.
Oh, and when I went to use the bathroom here at work, it was out of order. Love that.
Can I just go home and lay in bed please??????? If I had vacation to burn, I'd seriously consider it.
...til next time.
I called my doctor yesterday and they want me to just wait until this new period is over and I get my next one to do anything new. Yippy fricken skippy. They didn't seem to be concerned at all that I'm bleeding only 8 days after my last period. And it's not just bleeding, it's reeeeeeeally bleeding.
That's right people, I'm going to talk openly about my period - deal!
I changed my tampon just 2 hours after putting it in and I had already leaked. Awesome. It's only 9:15 in the morning here at work. I am hurting and have no medication here with me. I'm a very smart lady.
Oh, and when I went to use the bathroom here at work, it was out of order. Love that.
Can I just go home and lay in bed please??????? If I had vacation to burn, I'd seriously consider it.
...til next time.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Flip Flopping
I woke up this morning with cramps. Period cramps. TMI ALERT (look away!) : I have had blood on my toilet paper the last few days whenever I wipe. There's no sign of anything on my underwear and I wasn't having any pain anywhere, until today. Today there are cramps - I know these well. So what the hell is this? I just had my period 2 weeks ago. I'm on CD14 right now - right when I'm supposed to be ovulating! The only thing I could think of was that maybe I am trying to ovulate but the cyst is in the way? causing cramping and bleeding? Is that even possible? OR -- my body is just so messed up that now I'm starting to get irregular periods. Great.
This whole situation has begged the question: When do you know it's time to call it quits?
I think I'm ready. I really do. I don't want to go to another doctors appointment. I don't want to have another ultrasound unless it's because we're checking to see the sex of our baby. I don't want to have to keep track of what freaking cycle day I'm on today. I'm so sick of it all.... I'm done.
And now enter the other side of my brain: NO! You just spent HOW MUCH MONEY on all of those tests just so you COULD do IUIs. You're going to give up at just one IUI??? You need to give it more of a chance. Plus, you did buy that shot for your IUI that was canceled. That $100 shot. Do you want to just throw that away? Maybe that shot is a sign that you need to stick it out for a few more months.
AHHHHH - seriously, how do you know when it's the right decision to just be done?
Is it stupid to let financial things decide whether you go on or stop?
Mentally, I'm finished. Practically, I think it's silly to stop after everything we've done thus far.
I'm just so torn. And with this whole period thing happening now, I just don't even want to care anymore. I would normally cry when something like this happens. I'd be all "why is my body failing me? why can't anything be simple? why do I always have to suffer?" ..... but now, I just feel nothing. I literally have no feelings about it.
How did you know it was time for you to take a break or to be done with medical procedures?
This whole situation has begged the question: When do you know it's time to call it quits?
I think I'm ready. I really do. I don't want to go to another doctors appointment. I don't want to have another ultrasound unless it's because we're checking to see the sex of our baby. I don't want to have to keep track of what freaking cycle day I'm on today. I'm so sick of it all.... I'm done.
And now enter the other side of my brain: NO! You just spent HOW MUCH MONEY on all of those tests just so you COULD do IUIs. You're going to give up at just one IUI??? You need to give it more of a chance. Plus, you did buy that shot for your IUI that was canceled. That $100 shot. Do you want to just throw that away? Maybe that shot is a sign that you need to stick it out for a few more months.
AHHHHH - seriously, how do you know when it's the right decision to just be done?
Is it stupid to let financial things decide whether you go on or stop?
Mentally, I'm finished. Practically, I think it's silly to stop after everything we've done thus far.
I'm just so torn. And with this whole period thing happening now, I just don't even want to care anymore. I would normally cry when something like this happens. I'd be all "why is my body failing me? why can't anything be simple? why do I always have to suffer?" ..... but now, I just feel nothing. I literally have no feelings about it.
How did you know it was time for you to take a break or to be done with medical procedures?
Monday, August 12, 2013
Where Are The Well-Wishers?
An interesting thing happened to me that I was thinking about it this morning & thought I'd share.
An acquaintance of mine - someone I really don't know very well - contacted me because she had some leftover fertility medication that she wasn't going to use & wanted to see if I'd be interested. Now, I totally declined this offer because it just seems strange to me to buy someone else's leftover meds. I feel like everything is very customized to each persons situation... and these particular ones were injectables, something I don't think I'll ever need to be on.
So anyway, we were texting back and forth the other day about this. She would ask me things like "who do you go to?" and "how long have you been trying" and "what did they find wrong?" - phew, loaded questions for someone I don't even hardly know (she's a friend of a friend). I'm a pretty open book, so I responded, answering her questions. Then she told me how they are doing IVF. I responded that she's so lucky - I wish I could do IVF, but we can't afford it. She said they couldn't either, but his parents paid for the whole thing. How lucky is that? After corresponding back and forth for a while, I said something along the lines of "good luck to you guys, I'm going to be thinking positive thoughts for you & I hope you get your happy ending". She responded that on wednesday they got the news that the IVF worked (that means she's pregnant right?). So of course, I responded and told her how happy I was and blah blah blah. You know the drill.
And that was it.
The conversation ended there.
WTF!
Where were my well wishes from her? Clearly I need them more than she does at this point.... but nope.... I got nothing.
I get that this process isolates you and it makes you get into your own head a little too much sometimes. It's normal to start thinking only of yourself and your own situation... however, a little humility and humbleness never hurt anyone. You need to still be aware of the struggles others around you are going thru. It always seems this is a journey of "my infertility story trumps YOUR infertility story". Really? Does it really have to be that way? Hurt is hurt.... pain is pain.... heartache is heartache. Get over yourself. You shouldn't leave your fellow infertiles in the dust as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. I picture her saying "Sweet! I'm done with you! So long suckerrrrssssss!".
An acquaintance of mine - someone I really don't know very well - contacted me because she had some leftover fertility medication that she wasn't going to use & wanted to see if I'd be interested. Now, I totally declined this offer because it just seems strange to me to buy someone else's leftover meds. I feel like everything is very customized to each persons situation... and these particular ones were injectables, something I don't think I'll ever need to be on.
So anyway, we were texting back and forth the other day about this. She would ask me things like "who do you go to?" and "how long have you been trying" and "what did they find wrong?" - phew, loaded questions for someone I don't even hardly know (she's a friend of a friend). I'm a pretty open book, so I responded, answering her questions. Then she told me how they are doing IVF. I responded that she's so lucky - I wish I could do IVF, but we can't afford it. She said they couldn't either, but his parents paid for the whole thing. How lucky is that? After corresponding back and forth for a while, I said something along the lines of "good luck to you guys, I'm going to be thinking positive thoughts for you & I hope you get your happy ending". She responded that on wednesday they got the news that the IVF worked (that means she's pregnant right?). So of course, I responded and told her how happy I was and blah blah blah. You know the drill.
And that was it.
The conversation ended there.
WTF!
Where were my well wishes from her? Clearly I need them more than she does at this point.... but nope.... I got nothing.
I get that this process isolates you and it makes you get into your own head a little too much sometimes. It's normal to start thinking only of yourself and your own situation... however, a little humility and humbleness never hurt anyone. You need to still be aware of the struggles others around you are going thru. It always seems this is a journey of "my infertility story trumps YOUR infertility story". Really? Does it really have to be that way? Hurt is hurt.... pain is pain.... heartache is heartache. Get over yourself. You shouldn't leave your fellow infertiles in the dust as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. I picture her saying "Sweet! I'm done with you! So long suckerrrrssssss!".
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Ouch! Cysts Suck
I'm sitting here in extreme pain right now. I have no idea if this is my cyst rupturing or what it is.... but there's so much pain on my left side that I don't want to move.
I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound to see if the cyst on my right ovary was gone. The lady started doing the ultrasound and - SURPRISE - there was a huge cyst on my left ovary now. The right one had shrunk and was almost gone. So, we get to have another month break from trying. That's both frustrating and relieving.
I really feel like I need to get off this Clomid. I really don't think I ever got cysts prior to going on this medication. They hurt. This isn't fun at all.
I hope this doesn't last much longer.
I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound to see if the cyst on my right ovary was gone. The lady started doing the ultrasound and - SURPRISE - there was a huge cyst on my left ovary now. The right one had shrunk and was almost gone. So, we get to have another month break from trying. That's both frustrating and relieving.
I really feel like I need to get off this Clomid. I really don't think I ever got cysts prior to going on this medication. They hurt. This isn't fun at all.
I hope this doesn't last much longer.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
So Excited! Successful IUI Story
I belong to an IUI/IVF support group on BabyCenter - which is amazing by the way. No matter what you're dealing with, you can always find a group on this site with a LOT of people going through the same things you are.
Anyway, there's a particular member on there that has been trying her hardest to become pregnant. She's gone thru so many ups and downs and this month was a very important one for her. It was her last attempt at getting pregnant. No more IUIs for her and no chance of IVF happening either (very similar to my situation). Because I have a cyst, I hadn't been checking this site too much this month. I decided the other day I should log on and see if there was any good news for any of these ladies. And guess what........ SHE'S PREGNANT!
How freaking amazing is that?? I seriously wanted to jump up and down when I read that she saw a line on her pregnancy test. It's like you can just feel their excitement and it's just so great seeing a positive outcome for someone.
She listed some of the things she did this month:
• Read every positive IUI story
• Read the book Being Fruitful
• Listen to fertility affirmations every night via itunes
• Date of IUI: eat eggs for breakfast, drink grape juice & eat fruit
• Take cough syrup
• Treat life like you didn't have an IUI - drink, move around until day 11 or 12 and then test
Not sure if any of these are what did it for her - but I'm sure as heck giving it a try next month if we're lucky enough to try again.
Anyway, there's a particular member on there that has been trying her hardest to become pregnant. She's gone thru so many ups and downs and this month was a very important one for her. It was her last attempt at getting pregnant. No more IUIs for her and no chance of IVF happening either (very similar to my situation). Because I have a cyst, I hadn't been checking this site too much this month. I decided the other day I should log on and see if there was any good news for any of these ladies. And guess what........ SHE'S PREGNANT!
How freaking amazing is that?? I seriously wanted to jump up and down when I read that she saw a line on her pregnancy test. It's like you can just feel their excitement and it's just so great seeing a positive outcome for someone.
She listed some of the things she did this month:
• Read every positive IUI story
• Read the book Being Fruitful
• Listen to fertility affirmations every night via itunes
• Date of IUI: eat eggs for breakfast, drink grape juice & eat fruit
• Take cough syrup
• Treat life like you didn't have an IUI - drink, move around until day 11 or 12 and then test
Not sure if any of these are what did it for her - but I'm sure as heck giving it a try next month if we're lucky enough to try again.
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