Well, I'm exhausted. I'm at work right now but I just can't seem to get myself in the mood to do any of the things I need to. It just all seems so silly. So I'm writing this to get my feelings out and hopefully I can move on from this and feel better.
Day 12 ultrasound showed that I have a very large cyst on my right ovary. First she looked at my lining -- which was at a 10 this time (6 last month), so that was one positive. Then she looked at my left ovary and my fingers were crossed for good results this month. It showed only 2 follicles & they didn't look very large. She then moved over to my right and this HUUUGE black mass filled up the screen. I was like - "that looks like a ginormous follicle" and she told me it was a cyst. My heart sank. I had read a lot about women who developed cysts from their medications and how if that happens, the cycle is cancelled. I wanted to cry.
My nurse said that she'll have to pass the info on to my doctors and see what they think we should do in the future. I think they may switch my medication (from clomid) or have another suggestion on what might work for us. Then day 3 next cycle, I go back in to see if the cyst has decreased in size or disappeared. It could take 1-3 cycles for it to go away on its own (UGH!). I'm so ready for this process to be over.... I just don't want to deal with this any more. But as I say that, I realize it's something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. There's no escaping that we can't have children of our own. I'll be reminded of it pretty regularly and it's just something I'll have to accept and deal with when those moments happen.
I really am lucky to have an amazing and supportive husband. He was so concerned about me after finding out what happened this morning. He said he doesn't care about any of the baby stuff, just that I'm going to be okay. I think he associates cyst with cancer. I may end up having surgery to remove it, and that frightens him as well. He's such a good guy..... I could have NEVER gone thru this with anyone else.
I cried a lot on the drive home from my appointment. I cried at the thought that someone out there (God? If there is a God) is telling me I'm not meant to be a mom. I mean, that's truly what it feels like. We're being so proactive to make this happen and every single step along the journey there's some kind of hang-up. It's just the most heartbreaking thing you can go through. I honestly don't know how people do this for years and years and years. We're inching closer to the 2 year marker and there's no way I'm doing this for the rest of the year. I just can't. If the cyst is still there next month, I think we'll seriously consider moving forward without a child (or explore other options to getting one).
All I know is that I hope others never have to experience anything like this. I love my husband, all I want is to see him as a father.... a father to our child. I can't tell you how hard it is to accept that this dream may never become a reality.
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