A Fork in the Road

This weekend was a pretty big weekend for us. It's like everything coming together and you've been holding your breath for forever and can finally exhale and relax. Yup, Just Relax. The two dreaded words I hated for the longest time.... and will probably continue to hate the rest of my life. But it's exactly what I plan on doing in the next few months.

The hubby and I had a talk this weekend. We went to a friend's birthday party (on my birthday, by the way). They had just built their new house and bought all new furniture for it, so they were ready to show it off so to speak and have a little party there. I'm jealous. My hubby and I have talked about building a house for what seems like 500 years now, but as always, finances get in the way. We're still working on paying off his student loans and to do that, we're putting away almost $500 a month so that in a year or two we can just pay them off in one big chunk. This is in addition to paying the $500 we pay towards them. So needless to say, in 2 years, we'll have an extra $1,000 every month that we're not spending anymore. HALLELUAH! But I want that new house now.... I want to move forward with our life right now. No more of this "well, we have to save another $1,000 for our fertility treatments this month". I can't tell you how frustrating it is to feel stuck. Stuck in infertility hell.

So yeah, there was that.... and did I mention it was my birthday? My..... 30th..... birthday. I'm not sad about this.... I really don't feel anything about it to be honest. BUT, I spent a good 2 years building up to this number telling myself I neeeeeeeeeded to have a baby by the time I was 30. When mathematically I knew that wasn't going to happen, that switched to I neeeeeeeeed to be pregnant when I turn 30. Why do women do this to themselves? Maybe this pressure I felt deep down was preventing us from achieving that dream. Who knows.... all I know is it didn't happen. And you know what? It isn't the end of the world ladies.

I turned 30 & we decided to stop all fertility treatments. I finally feel at peace. Of course, I told my hubby, there's a good chance that when January 1st rolls around, I will want to try an IUI again. I just need a break... my body needs a break... my mind needs a break. Hopefully when these 4 months pass, I will have a better understanding of what I want or what I need in life. I've been so confused the last few months. Do I want a baby? Do I want to get our life more settled first? Will it be possible for me to have a baby if I hold off until later? Am I okay with adoption if that happens? sooooo many unanswered questions that I need to figure out. But I really want to just enjoy life.... enjoy the holidays.... enjoy my husband... do things for US instead of spending all of our money on things that aren't working.

Now, don't get me wrong... I am going to continue to take my supplements and I am going to begin exercising.... and just taking care of myself. Maybe just maybe, our little miracle will happen on its own. And if that happens, it'll be a sign that I was meant to be a mommy & I will fully embrace that roll.

I'll keep you in the loop as to my feelings during this time. Should be interesting!!! Stay tuned.