Saturday, March 22, 2014

Holy Crap! Breast Pain & Caffeine

I'm about to share more than I should in some ways, but that's just what this blog is.

I went to the bathroom and found I had gotten my period. I was shocked and surprised and had to quick think about what day of the month it was and if it really was that time. The 22nd. Yup, that was right. I figured time had just passed without me really noticing any symptoms. That's when I remembered one of my biggest signs my period was coming --- SORE BOOBS. It happens every single month from ovulation until I get my period and guess what? It didn't happen this month.

The only thing that I have changed in the last month or two is having absolutely zero caffeine. I used to get vanilla lattes every tuesday and thursday as a treat after working out (ha!) .... but recently I've changed my order to be DECAF. I never have soda. I switched my teas at home to decaf only.

I have to be honest, we're on year 3 of trying and up until this point, I never thought caffeine could effect the body like they say during baby making. I only had it twice a week and there's no way that could effect me, right? Wrong.

I immediately googled and found a few online articles that say caffeine increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is actually the stress hormone found in the body so just imagine how bad that can be for you when you're trying to conceive. The increased level can interact with other PMS hormones and cause sore boobs!

This discovery makes me happy because:
A) it shows that caffeine (even in a small amount) can effect your body
B) I no longer have to have sore boobies (it was sooo painful!)

I hope this helps others out there who are questioning whether it's really that important to give up the caffeinated beverages or not.

Thursday, March 20, 2014


Last night I went to Target and picked up some awesome Essie nail glaze (it's supposed to seal your nails so the polish lasts a lot longer). As I was painting my nails, I remembered something about my childhood. When I was in middle school or early high school, I remember hearing a news story where they were bringing up the risk of nail polish causing infertility in women. I have no idea how true this is/was because I never really looked further into it, but I distinctly remember being frightened at that age. I instantly had flashbacks to all of the times I painted my nails and I thought to myself, "I'm doomed!".

After this happened, I honestly didn't wear nail polish for a LONG TIME. I probably held out until I was in my mid 20s and by that point I hadn't heard anything further about it, so I decided it was "safe" to do again.

How's that for irony. My 12 year old self was worried about infertility and now here I stand. Which makes me wonder.... WAS IT THE NAIL POLISH?!? hahaha.... just kidding, I'm sure it isn't.

Needless to say - I'm currently of the attitude of SCREW IT, I'm painting my nails if and when I want to!

Life is strange sometimes. I wonder if there was a part of me that knew I'd have this problem one day. It honestly wasn't the first time I'd had the fear of not being able to have children. I truly believe I knew deep down but would tell myself that I was crazy.

Food for thought.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Awesome Snail Mail

Came home today to find this awesome gem in our mailbox. Thanks for rubbing it in, insurance company.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Anyone else have a case of the Back-and-Forths?

When I say that this journey is a rollercoaster, I MEAN IT!
Up and down and back and forth, that's what my life is made up of when it comes to babies and having children.

If I had the chance to have sex the normal way and conceive fairly easily, I would have a child.

But since that isn't an option, it really begs you to answer the question of "do I really want kids?". "Should I really be doing this?". "How do I want to go about this?". Those questions scare the living begeezers out of me and honestly, the answers change on an almost daily basis.

I went through a good month-long phase where I wanted a baby and I wanted one really badly. I was convinced I would adopt and I'd live in a wonderful world of bliss forever and ever. Now, today, I feel the opposite. I feel like, maybe I don't really NEED a child to make my life meaningful and happy. So what is the answer for me? I HAVE NO IDEA!

Since my last post, I've contacted an adoption agency in the area and got a handful of information from them. Information on the types of adoptions and the costs of those adoptions and a few generalized FAQs. The lady also informed me of informational meetings that they do once a month, if I was interested in attending. I suddenly got cold feet. I'm not ready!! I told her that we'd let her know if/when we are ready and we'll register for one of those meetings at that point.

Seriously people, this is the hardest decision of my life. I know that people who have kids will say there are plenty of days when they wish they didn't. And I also know that people who didn't have kids will say there are days when they really regret it. So that doesn't help.

I found a few discussions on Reddit where people have asked certain age ranges without kids if they ever regret their decision to not have them. It's a bit eye opening. Many people with kids still end up dying alone in a nursing home. Many people without kids were still able to make a very meaningful and fulfilling life for themselves - doing charity work and things that inspired them. I love that! I mean, we really do only have one life to live, why not live it up? Go on vacations whenever you want... become more knowledgeable in the areas you're interested in... sleep....sleep... and sleep (whenever you feel like it). :-P

It's worth a read... (I still haven't made it through all of these, but wanted to share them with you).

I guess what I've learned from all of this is that I won't ever stop struggling with whatever decision we make. AND if we do decide to adopt, that child will be loved beyond any kind of love that can ever be given. We'll have really thought this through and researched and we'll know we're making the best decision for us.

In the meantime tho.... you will continue to think I'm nutty since I don't know if I want kids & I keep going back & forth about it.

Can I just go back to being 5 please? ahhh, to live in a state where you have NO idea the kinds of decisions that adults are making on a daily basis.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

I Feel Like I'm Pregnant

But more in the giving-birth-in-12-months kind of way. Since my last post, I talked to my husband. I told him that I have really been rethinking the idea of IVF. When we first started all of this, we both said no-way-jose to IVF. The main reasons for that were the money, the invasiveness & the fact that it isn't a guarantee.

I found this website: and got pretty excited. It's wayyyy cheaper than the cost of IVF in our area PLUS you'd get to sit on a beach for the entire 2 weeks - heck yeah! So honestly, it changed my mind. I feel like I could save 6 or 7K this year and we could do this next year sometime. BUUUUT, my husband isn't as willing and eager as I am. Unfortunately when I suggested this idea, he responded with the fact that he'd still rather adopt over doing IVF. I'll be honest, my first reaction to this was a tiny bit of disappointment. The longer I've had to think about it, the more I feel he's right.

So as of right now, I can say that we'll be adopting some point in the next year or two. AHHH. Now, there's still a lot of researching and information that needs to be gathered. I'm hoping we can make appointments with a few agencies in the area and get more information. I'd also still like to get information on IVF and then sit down and compare the two once we know more about them. All I know is that the idea of having a baby - whether biological or not - excites the crap out of me. I have so much love to give.

So for once in a long time, I am looking forward to the future. We'll take this year to get our stuff in gear and finances figured out. And then, hopefully we can welcome home a new baby somehow someway.


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Thoughts...about IVF

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I blame it on all of the infertility blogs I follow. 80% of the people are all doing their IVF treatments right now and I have to say... it leaves me feeling jealous. I'm honestly finding myself thinking more and more about IVF. It scares me. It scares me because I have no idea how we'd ever afford it. The financial obligation is just too overwhelming to me. We're literally saving everything we can this year so we can pay off our student loans at the end of the year. We are so excited to be "debt free" (still have house and car) for once in our lives and the idea of adding another loan for IVF really depresses me. I think I need more information really. How does it work? Is a loan our only option?

Bottom line is that I watch other parents with their children and their children have bits and pieces of each parents' personalities. I love that. I want a little version of my hubby running around. Or a little girl who is like me. I want to grow and build a family with my husband. I want to partake in those conversations about what giving birth is like.

I'm going to make it my goal to research and do all I can to figure out ways to afford IVF. I'm going to save as much of my side business money as I can. If I could save $10K from that this year, that would be a huge chunk to put towards it. Is it possible? I suppose... but it will be EXTREMELY difficult and I'll have to work really hard. Is it wise to put all of our other dreams and goals on hold for this? We want to move out of our house.... but can we do that and this and think about paying for daycare potentially? Will we be able to afford that?

Seeing all of the other people go through it makes me feel like we can do it too. I suppose it has given me a little hope and opened my eyes to the idea of it. It doesn't hurt that every single person has gotten pregnant on the first attempt.

Am I crazy? Or is this a good goal? If you have any advice on how to raise money for something like this, please share your thoughts.

Monday, December 30, 2013

What does it feel like after 2 years?

I was laying in bed last night and remembered that exactly 2 years ago (on new years eve), we told our best friends that we were ready to start a family and were going to start trying. How can that be? I remember hitting the one year marker of trying to conceive and thinking to myself how impossible the thought of doing this for 2 years seemed. I actually had a thought in my head at that time along the lines of -- "wow, those poor people that have to do this for 2 years, that has to be rough". I had absolutely no idea we'd be in that category someday. And the hardest part is that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Life is hard sometimes. I know last year I had a really tough time at Christmas. This year, it wasn't as difficult... maybe that's what happens over time. Maybe you slowly have time to accept what could be your fate and get used to the idea. Who knows...  I have had my fair share of moments this month tho. A good friend of ours is pregnant with #2 - we're happy for them obviously, but of course there are the ever nagging twinges of wondering why that can't be you. Then a friend of those friends who sort of have become our friends announced they were expecting with a cute photo on facebook of her belly with a tag on it saying not to open until July. That was a tiny stab to the heart as well.

You see, I'm happy about where we're at... we're focusing on our finances and that's what needs to happen right now. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to see things like that and it doesn't mean that it isn't something that I still hold on to hope that we'll be able to do. It's a very very strange thing and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this position.

All I know is that when they say that when you finally stop trying, that's when it happens -- they are lying. Whoever had that happen, it was pure coincidence. People used to tell us that all the time when I told them we were done with IUIs and doctors appointments. Now they are silent. They've all watched the months roll by and know that it should have happened by now.

Life is tough, that's for sure. Some people have it so easy. They decide they want kids, they try, they conceive, and it happens. It's what I would call, meant-to-be. Am I not meant to be a mother? I'm not sure... I guess that question is still to be answered.

I was at my aunt-in-law's house over the holidays and she has 2 adopted children. Well the one girl is from India and I've always sort of bonded with her - she's an artist as well and loves to show me her drawings. I was looking through her sketchbook and she had drawn a series of things with little sayings next to them. One of the sayings was "DNA does not make a family, love does". Ummm...cue the tears please. She's only 13, so I didn't want to start crying in front of her, but I honestly felt like that was a strong message I needed to hear. It was a beautiful moment. I sort of looked around and realized that not one person in that family treats her or her brother any different. Sure, they might "look" different than their mother/father, but they sure are loved and accepted like any other family member and without any questions about it. It's a really really beautiful thing and it made me realize that I do want to adopt. If in another year, I find myself back here on this blog in the same position, I think we may have to consider that option. But then of course, the hesitation starts when I think about the financial burden. How do you pay for something like that? Do you get a loan? Do you take it out of your 401K? I don't have the answers to any of that.... but I'll just hope and pray that our questions get answered and our family grows in the next couple of years.

So that about sums up where I'm at after 2 years of infertility. Fun right? ha..... At least we're not alone.