I had my future sister-in-law's bachelorette celebration last night and I just want to say that I really did have fun celebrating the night with her & what I'm about to write is just my way of reflecting and getting my feelings out on the page. I'm always afraid someone will find the blog and my writings will offend them or affect our relationship. So if you find this, please don't take it personally.
Anyway, I was pretty pumped about the night. We were going to have dinner with just the bridal party and then everyone was meeting up to go out in the city's downtown. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to face some baby demons on this night. It's a bachelorette party, afterall! Well, unfortunately, it started right at dinner. The bride to be is very excited about trying immediately for a baby. (They were pregnant once before, early in their relationship, and she had a miscarriage. So I'm genuinely excited for them and hope their dreams come true easily and without further heartache.) This got the conversation rolling and I proceeded to have to look at numerous phones with photos of the people's babies on them. Very slowly my heart started to hurt. Talk continued for another 10 minutes about kids... until.... one of the ladies announced she actually just found out she was pregnant. Cue the applause and oo's & ahh's. I don't even know this lady and the fact that she was announcing her pregnancy right in front of me still made me mad. HA! Doesn't she KNOW what I'm going through? It's funny how you think that everyone should know and be sensitive to what they choose to talk about in front of you. Now here starts the best part of the story.
The bride-to-be asked the pregnant lady, "were you guys trying??". ha.... yeah... you guessed it - here's her response: "No, we weren't actually. I have been on nuvaring and something came up where I needed to remove it & there was a 2 week period before I could get an appointment to put it back in, so we just did it without anything and VOILA, now here I am, pregnant".
Knife. In. Heart.
Up until this point I had been putting on the fake smile. The "oh woww... that's so exciting" and the "awww, your daughter is adorable". People would ask, "do you have any kids?" and I'd kindly respond "no, I don't". I was doing really really well! Until that comment. The ultimate knife-in-heart moment for an infertile. My smile turned to a "is it time to get out of here" look and I stopped giving a rats butt for the rest of the night.
I felt pretty alone that evening. I don't know if it was because of what ensued at dinner & how much it really affected me emotionally.... or if I just literally felt kind of alone the whole night. I still can't go to a bachelorette party without thinking about how disappointed I was after my own. People I truly care about and thought cared about me didn't show up and you'd think I'd be able to get over that, but it still hurts. Even my husband wasn't all too happy about that one - nobody from his family showed. And I'm pretty sure they like me.... but maybe not enough to celebrate that night with me. Who knows. I was just glad that I went and got to see her celebrate.
People talking over and over and over about pregnancy and attempting to get pregnant is so hard. Especially if they are someone who knows what I've been through. It's the biggest thing in my life right now.... It'll always be a wound I have and it'll always sting when things like this happen. I just want people to think twice about what they say when I'm around. I'm a pretty strong cookie... and I can handle a lot of stuff others wouldn't be able to in my shoes, however, my heart still breaks and I'm still human.... so a little respect in that area would be nice from time to time. My husband's family knows what we've been through. Well, not the full extent, but they know. And yet, they never ask me about it and they always pretend nothing is happening. My mother in law is always asking for a grandchild.... like it's something I should just be able to give her. And it should be. But it's not meant to be for us.
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