I hate you UMR

UGH.... I was told last week that our tests coming up would count towards our insurance deductible. Now I just received a phone call and she said she talked to another lady at UMR and NOTHING is covered.

And I quote... "If it is for medical needs, it is covered. If it is for fertility needs, it is not covered".

SERIOUSLY INSURANCE, SERIOUSLY??????????!!!!!!

That makes sooooo much sense doesn't it?? For crying out loud... how is my body not able to have a baby because SOMETHING is wrong with it NOT medical. Why the **** do they think they can draw a line in the sand like that. It's just incredibly ridiculous.

I've never needed our medical insurance before, yet I pay in every damn month.... and now that I finally NEED it for something, oh yeah, sorry, you're not covered.

What is wrong with this country?!

Update Post-RE Visit

It has been a few days since we got to speak to the new RE and find out what he thought about our test results so far and what our plans could be for the future.

Guess what.....? -- More TESTS!

I think I'm just exhausted at this point and feel like I can't possibly put myself thru any more of these cycles where nothing happens. It's so so so frustrating. I have to have another blood draw so they can test my progesterone again since my previous doctor didn't keep a note about what cycle day it was drawn on. He just wants to be sure it is accurate. So that will happen this Saturday. Then whenever next cycle day 1 is, I have to call and schedule an ultrasound AND my HSG. The one thing we were trying to avoid is the HSG due to the extremely high cost of it in this area (ahem--2 grand). But of course he says he really needs me to do this test so they can eliminate that as a source of problems.

Time is of the essence since my AMH number showed that I have diminished ovarian reserve. So he doesn't want me to waste any time doing fertility drugs when it could just be a blockage that is preventing the pregnancy.

No fun -- I am definitely not looking forward to this. The appointment for him to tell us we need more tests in order for him to make a clear plan cost us $300. I mean, really? It's just so sad to me. There has to be millions of people out there in our shoes (or even worse off than we are) who are just wanting to have a baby. I'm working as much overtime as I can in order to hopefully put some of that towards these expensive tests, but I know I won't even come close to making what I need to any time soon. But what are you going to do? We HAVE to have the tests done if we want to move forward ... and we don't have the option of waiting until we have money saved since my eggs are dwindling.

Life I tell you -- just not easy is it?

I'll let you know how the tests turn out... hopefully they come out okay so we can just move forward and get this baby growing in my tummy :(

Good News!

I can't believe it took me so long to post this... what's wrong w/ me?

I received my FSH results. My doctor called me back and left a message to let me know she had the results. Then she called me a second time and said that she discussed my results w/ the RE I am seeing this week to see what he thought and he decided that she should order a few more tests from the blood they drew, so she went ahead and ordered those right away.

So at this point, I was panicking... That can only mean one thing, right? BAD NEWS. I was so scared to call her back. I called as I was walking to a private conference room here at work and she said "well, I have some good news". Right then and there, I almost peed my pants. I said "GOOD NEWS?!?!?!.... did you say, GOOD?!". She let me know that my FSH number came back at an 8.6. I believe you want this to be around a 6 normally.... but she told me this is great news. Apparently things only get super tricky once the number is 10 or above.

Get this -- she actually said, "I don't think it is going to take too much to get you pregnant". I responded to that with, "so do you think IVF won't be the only option?" and she said she's certain he'll want to try other things first. YAY YAY YAY!

I had THE BEST week after hearing that news. I feel so relieved and so happy and again hopeful for the future.

My hubby and I are all ready for our appointment on Thursday. We're so excited.

Meanwhile, medical bills just keep rolling in. But you know.... who cares, as long as we have a happy ending to this story.

AMH Test Results & FSH Test

Phew, what a few days it has been. I had a pretty crazy weekend. On Friday, I decided to call up my doctor and just see what my actual AMH number was....  gulp......  During the phone call on Wednesday, she stated that my number was "a little low". So I was asking the question under the assumption that it wouldn't be that bad. Imagine my shock when she said "yeah, it was less than 0.3.... you might be heading into menopause". ha.... say what?!

Okay, okay, I know.... I've done a LOT of research over the weekend and I know that the AMH number is just ONE part of a series of tests to tell you what's really going on. I'm trying not to focus too much on the number and from what I've read, I have age on my side. My first reaction to that news was bad... like, real bad... I went home immediately and sobbed for an hour on my lunch. Then had to pull it together & come back to work... where, once I was here, I cried from 2-4 at my desk. Most of that crying was good crying from the amazing emails I got from my husband. Something really special he said was this.... I want to sort of immortalize this response:

the things people talk about with raising kids are the times they had with them growing up. not the time spent carrying them or the fact that they had them naturally. what matters to me is the end result. whether it has our genes or not is no barrier to loving and raising a child and getting the same experience and enjoyment out of it that everyone else gets.

So true! It took me a good 15 minutes to get thru that tiny paragraph because I would cry at each word. He's amazing, just truly amazing.

Anyway, I was told that I should have my FSH tested on Day 3 of my cycle so they could compare the two numbers and get a better overall idea of what's going on. I have this dreadful feeling that it won't be good. I'm scared.... but it is happening tomorrow and they said they'd get the restults the same day. GULP. Fingers and toes are crossed.

Regardless of the results, I have read AMAZING stories of all kinds of people all around the world who had the same diagnosis and continued to go and have their own child naturally. Supplements seem to help, and some have had success from strong drugs and IUIs. I'm really really hoping we won't have to go the IVF route. I'm still so confused on whether IVF or adoption is the better route. I know it is a personal choice... but ugh.... I'm scared. I keep telling myself NOT to go there until I know I need to. 

If you read this, please keep me in your prayers... it is much appreciated!

I will update tomorrow with the results. I have to be at my appointment at 7:10 in a city that's 25 minutes away. UGH....early!

AMH Test Results

I got the phone call this morning. My AMH levels came back low which means my ovarian reserve is low which means, well, I'm not sure. Does it mean my eggs suck? I think that's what FSH tells you. Does it mean I don't have many eggs left - probably.

Wow... I would have never thought that at 28-29 years old, I would be facing this. It's hard to not let the test results define you and define your future. When I first heard, I thought, great.... they are going to tell us an egg donor is our only option. From what I've read online, that's not the case. I need to stay strong and hopeful.

Everything I learned in my last appointment is on hold. We won't be moving forward with any of those plans anytime soon, if ever. Instead, I have an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in 2 weeks.

Is it weird that I always had a feeling deep down that something was off w/ my eggs and that was the problem? I really have... but nobody would ever test anything to do w/ that until I went to that last doctor.
I'm so grateful that she made that test happen. Now we know WHY this hasn't been happening.

I do love having an answer.

Renewed Hope

Hi Everyone! Long time, no posts....
I have a list of things I've been meaning to post about but just never seem to be able to find the time to sit down and write it all out. I have some books I need to tell you about and a new smoothie that I want to share. OH and I have a photo from my last acupuncture session which is pretty interesting. I guess you'll have to wait to find out more about that because this post is about something pretty important - HOPE!

I wrote earlier about how I went to a new doctor. What a great experience that was. If you're frustrated with your situation right now, I highly suggest seeing someone new. It really is refreshing and if you choose well, it can really show you what you've been missing. The new doctor suggested that we make an appointment w/ the fertility specialists that they work with. So yesterday morning, my husband and I made the 20 minute drive to go see them. This lady was absolutely WONDERFUL. She listened.... she explained.... she listened some more.... and we developed a game plan that I feel so great about.

Step 1: My next cycle I am going to take clomid. We'll have intercourse like normal and see if anything happens.

Step 2: Cycle #2 we might try clomid again. I am not sure I want to go much past cycle #2 w/ the clomid + regular intercourse because they say you shouldn't be on clomid for more than 6 cycles.

Step 3: Take a month off (no clomid... but continue to still "try" the old fashioned way). During this month, we will also have the HSG (dye test to look for blockages) done. I love this because even tho we will be taking the month off so-to-speak, we are still doing something to help.

Step 4: IF still not pregnant yet and IF the HSG shows everything is normal, I will go back on clomid + we'll do an IUI (artificial insemination). This way the sperm will be right where they need to be w/o having to do a whole lot of work.

Step 5: Another IUI?

Step 6: Another?

Step 7: unknown.... but I better have a freakin' baby by then!

I can't tell you how much better I feel just having some kind of plan for our future. I've had so many people tell me "just go on clomid, it worked for us". But because I'm ovulating like a normal person, my doctors would never agree to put me on this drug w/o doing further testing first. I'm so thankful that these doctors understand that my husband and aren't that well off & can't spend a bazillion dollars on this stuff (and want to avoid that if at all possible). The fertility specialist still needs to call my doctor and make sure she thinks this "game plan" of ours is the right course for us to be taking. AND they still need to get the test results from my previous doctor (since they still hadn't gotten these). Maybe that will tell them something that the other doctor didn't see.

OH - and I also had my AMH tested. This is a blood test where they can then tell what your ovarian reserve is.... aka, how many eggs you have left. THAT should be interesting to find out, but I'll have to wait 2 weeks for that news.

No matter how you look at it tho, the next few months are going to be pretty interesting. I am really looking forward to having more answers and to trying new things with this new found hope and zest for life I feel.

A Case of the What Ifs

Well, my appointment with the new doctor, Dr. Schmidt, was last night.

Let's start with the positives:

• Great hospital: large and very busy compared to the last hospital I went to. I even got lost looking for the office & ran into a very nice Indian surgeon who graciously walked me to the elevators I needed to take. Unfortunately, I don't think he knew what I meant when I said I was looking for Womens Health because I ended up in the ICU area. Yikes.
• Great waiting room: large, spacious, updated. They had a large saltwater tank as you walk in and as soon as I saw it, I knew it was meant to be. The front desk was nice and large and open.
• Wonderful staff: friendly & laid back.
• Lovely nurse: young & so so nice.
• Great doctor: listened to me, asked me questions, did a much more thorough breast exam than my past doctor. Also allowed me to get dress after the exam and she came back in so we could have a real conversation. She is really great.

Now onto the findings, which I wouldn't quite say are categorized as negative, but more that they weren't what I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, Dr. Schmidt didn't have access to my previous health records so she was unable to see what tests we had already had done & what those results were. So we went over all of the things we've done & she suggested that I still have one more test. I forget the name, something long, but I think it is just a blood draw that tells you what your ovarian reserve is (how many eggs) and what the quality of those eggs is. I'll make an appointment for that sometime in my next cycle since I think it is supposed to happen on a certain day.

After this, assuming my eggs are fine, she wants to do an HSG. This is the same thing my previous doctor wanted to do and I was hoping not to have to. Looks like I'm all out of look and I'm okay with that. I'm ready to take this test on (mostly because of my amazing parents and their gracious offer to pay for it). IF the HSG shows no blockages, I will be put on clomid and she will pair that with insemination. IF the HSG shows a blockage, IVF will be the only resolve.

Hearing her say those 3 letters... ugh.... I sat there playing with my hands, picking at my fingers, to try to distract myself from crying. How could my life be coming to this? That's what I immediately felt. Her telling me that made me feel like that's exactly what would happen .... like that was out only option. Then I realized, hey, it could still happen naturally! Although, she did say that 80% of couples will get pregnant within 12 months & if you haven't yet and keep trying, your chances decrease with every month that passes. UGH.... talk about depressing. She wasn't trying to be rude or mean or insensitive by saying that. She was just informing me -- which she did a lot of in this visit and it was much appreciated. My previous doctor would just be like "okay, we'll do HSG next, here's the info, this is what it is, so call and schedule that". Done and done. This one maps everything out and tells you what each thing might mean for us. I love that.

So - I didn't get a miracle drug to take.... looks like we'll really have to work at this. But I'm ready. :-)