Life As We Know It

Thanks to a very lovely reader of this blog, I was reminded that I should probably update my readers on what my life looks like today. It makes sense that when someone goes silent on a blog like this, you'd think they may have gotten pregnant, had a baby and had no time for anything besides staring into those beautiful eyes. Unfortunately that is not the case in my story.

So -- essentially for the last year my husband and I had "given up" on starting a family. And I hate using that terminology because we still have unprotected sex regularly and were still hopeful that we were going to wake up one morning and find out we were expecting a miracle baby. People always say when you stop trying, it happens. But that isn't always the case. I can say that 98% of the time I do not think about babies or wanting a baby. 2% of the time I have thoughts about holidays with my children and having something wonderful like that to live for. I'd say that's not too shabby. In the last year I've been blessed with a niece and nephew and a godchild so I have been incredibly lucky in that I get baby fixes constantly. It's a wonderful thing to be able to hand the baby back at the end of the night and go home to get a full nights sleep.

If there's anything I've learned - it's to ALWAYS look at the positive in your life, not the negative. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before on this blog, but something that helped to put things in perspective for me was this documentary series on Showtime called "Time of Death". If you've seen this, I don't need to say more. If you haven't, it's this crazy ground breaking show that captured 5 or 6 families going through losing a family member. They would follow that person from time of diagnosis til they took their last breath - sometimes even filming their death. It sounds morbid and literally every episode scared me so much, but it was one of the most amazing things I've seen. It changed everything for me. Life could be worse. I'm so so lucky to have a healthy family and to have my OWN health. How can you be upset about anything you're facing when you see REAL stuff like that which so many families out there are dealing with right at this moment.

I've actually started thinking about setting an age in which I will say "enough is enough". Do I really want to be a mother at 38? 40? Eh.... it's everyone's personal choice, but for me, I'd say no. I'm currently 32 and I'm thinking of setting a date for when I just might go back on birth control in order to prevent anything from happening.

So that's my life at the current date. I hope that others out there are having a lot more luck than I am in this department. I'd love to hear your stories!

My 3rd Mother's Day

I thought I'd pop in and say hi and let you all know that I survived another Mother's Day. You know what's weird? It barely hurt this year! I did have a wonderful friend write me a little message sometime that morning just telling me how much she's thinking of me and understands how hard that day must be. I thought that was really nice because this lady is a mother of 2 and pregnant w/ number 3. I doubt she had a whole lot of time in her day to send that message off and it meant so much!

I think I've just become so much more comfortable in my kidless skin. It's a wonderful thing when you can embrace it! I think for some, it takes a lot longer than others. And for other people, it may never happen - in which case I think it's fair to say you need to be a mother one way or another! Life is certainly strange and it sort of baffles me that I have more moments when I'm grateful for not having a child than I have moments when I'm envious of others with babies. When did THAT happen?! You know? I swear I used to go almost every day thinking about babies and being pissed off when I saw a cute photo on Facebook or heard even my closest friends talking about their kids. Now I can separate in my mind that that's THEIR life and this is MY life and they don't have to be the same. One is not better than the other.

I hope my blog can at least offer others hope that no matter what your situation turns into, you can find peace one way or the other. Some will decide to adopt. Some will go with IVF. Some will naturally conceive. All of these things will be the biggest blessings in your life. But the greatest gift is when you can fully accept your life and where you are in your journey.

My biggest advice:  Don't let age freak you out. Time is a bitch.... it's what made me a crazy mad person for a good year. I literally convinced myself I could hear it ticking away and with that went all of my hopes and dreams in life. WRONG! So wrong.... embrace your journey. So what if everyone else has their 3rd kid by the time you might be having your first. Your journey is YOURS and just be thankful for every day that you're here and you're healthy - with a loving husband and family to support you. I know- it's easy for me to say.... It definitely takes time to get there. But you will, I promise.

xoxo!

The Battle of the Why Me's

For those of you out there with diminished ovarian reserve, do you ever wonder WHY the eff does it have to be me.... and at this AGE?!

I'm having one of those moments and I'm sure I've had about 400,000 of them throughout this process. I mean, I was 28 when I started this process. Not exactly OLD by any means. And while the months passed, I've had to read numerous gossip articles about 40-something year old women in Hollywood conceiving their first child. WHAT THE HELL! How is that even fair that someone of that age doesn't have to worry about a thing and a freaking healthy 28 year old cannot conceive? I know... they might be using fertility treatments. But honestly, I know so many women who are 2, 4, 10 years older than me and have conceived naturally. Oh, and it only took them 2 months!!!

So this is just me giving a big EFF YOU to the universe for making this my reality.

Thank you for listening.

Holy Crap! Breast Pain & Caffeine

I'm about to share more than I should in some ways, but that's just what this blog is.

I went to the bathroom and found I had gotten my period. I was shocked and surprised and had to quick think about what day of the month it was and if it really was that time. The 22nd. Yup, that was right. I figured time had just passed without me really noticing any symptoms. That's when I remembered one of my biggest signs my period was coming --- SORE BOOBS. It happens every single month from ovulation until I get my period and guess what? It didn't happen this month.

The only thing that I have changed in the last month or two is having absolutely zero caffeine. I used to get vanilla lattes every tuesday and thursday as a treat after working out (ha!) .... but recently I've changed my order to be DECAF. I never have soda. I switched my teas at home to decaf only.

I have to be honest, we're on year 3 of trying and up until this point, I never thought caffeine could effect the body like they say during baby making. I only had it twice a week and there's no way that could effect me, right? Wrong.

I immediately googled and found a few online articles that say caffeine increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is actually the stress hormone found in the body so just imagine how bad that can be for you when you're trying to conceive. The increased level can interact with other PMS hormones and cause sore boobs!

This discovery makes me happy because:
A) it shows that caffeine (even in a small amount) can effect your body
B) I no longer have to have sore boobies (it was sooo painful!)

I hope this helps others out there who are questioning whether it's really that important to give up the caffeinated beverages or not.

Irony

Last night I went to Target and picked up some awesome Essie nail glaze (it's supposed to seal your nails so the polish lasts a lot longer). As I was painting my nails, I remembered something about my childhood. When I was in middle school or early high school, I remember hearing a news story where they were bringing up the risk of nail polish causing infertility in women. I have no idea how true this is/was because I never really looked further into it, but I distinctly remember being frightened at that age. I instantly had flashbacks to all of the times I painted my nails and I thought to myself, "I'm doomed!".

After this happened, I honestly didn't wear nail polish for a LONG TIME. I probably held out until I was in my mid 20s and by that point I hadn't heard anything further about it, so I decided it was "safe" to do again.

How's that for irony. My 12 year old self was worried about infertility and now here I stand. Which makes me wonder.... WAS IT THE NAIL POLISH?!? hahaha.... just kidding, I'm sure it isn't.

Needless to say - I'm currently of the attitude of SCREW IT, I'm painting my nails if and when I want to!

Life is strange sometimes. I wonder if there was a part of me that knew I'd have this problem one day. It honestly wasn't the first time I'd had the fear of not being able to have children. I truly believe I knew deep down but would tell myself that I was crazy.

Food for thought.

Awesome Snail Mail

Came home today to find this awesome gem in our mailbox. Thanks for rubbing it in, insurance company.

Anyone else have a case of the Back-and-Forths?

When I say that this journey is a rollercoaster, I MEAN IT!
Up and down and back and forth, that's what my life is made up of when it comes to babies and having children.

If I had the chance to have sex the normal way and conceive fairly easily, I would have a child.

But since that isn't an option, it really begs you to answer the question of "do I really want kids?". "Should I really be doing this?". "How do I want to go about this?". Those questions scare the living begeezers out of me and honestly, the answers change on an almost daily basis.

I went through a good month-long phase where I wanted a baby and I wanted one really badly. I was convinced I would adopt and I'd live in a wonderful world of bliss forever and ever. Now, today, I feel the opposite. I feel like, maybe I don't really NEED a child to make my life meaningful and happy. So what is the answer for me? I HAVE NO IDEA!

Since my last post, I've contacted an adoption agency in the area and got a handful of information from them. Information on the types of adoptions and the costs of those adoptions and a few generalized FAQs. The lady also informed me of informational meetings that they do once a month, if I was interested in attending. I suddenly got cold feet. I'm not ready!! I told her that we'd let her know if/when we are ready and we'll register for one of those meetings at that point.

Seriously people, this is the hardest decision of my life. I know that people who have kids will say there are plenty of days when they wish they didn't. And I also know that people who didn't have kids will say there are days when they really regret it. So that doesn't help.

I found a few discussions on Reddit where people have asked certain age ranges without kids if they ever regret their decision to not have them. It's a bit eye opening. Many people with kids still end up dying alone in a nursing home. Many people without kids were still able to make a very meaningful and fulfilling life for themselves - doing charity work and things that inspired them. I love that! I mean, we really do only have one life to live, why not live it up? Go on vacations whenever you want... become more knowledgeable in the areas you're interested in... sleep....sleep... and sleep (whenever you feel like it). :-P

It's worth a read... (I still haven't made it through all of these, but wanted to share them with you).

LINK 1

LINK 2

LINK 3

LINK 4

I guess what I've learned from all of this is that I won't ever stop struggling with whatever decision we make. AND if we do decide to adopt, that child will be loved beyond any kind of love that can ever be given. We'll have really thought this through and researched and we'll know we're making the best decision for us.

In the meantime tho.... you will continue to think I'm nutty since I don't know if I want kids & I keep going back & forth about it.

Can I just go back to being 5 please? ahhh, to live in a state where you have NO idea the kinds of decisions that adults are making on a daily basis.

I Feel Like I'm Pregnant

But more in the giving-birth-in-12-months kind of way. Since my last post, I talked to my husband. I told him that I have really been rethinking the idea of IVF. When we first started all of this, we both said no-way-jose to IVF. The main reasons for that were the money, the invasiveness & the fact that it isn't a guarantee.

I found this website: www.barbadosivf.com and got pretty excited. It's wayyyy cheaper than the cost of IVF in our area PLUS you'd get to sit on a beach for the entire 2 weeks - heck yeah! So honestly, it changed my mind. I feel like I could save 6 or 7K this year and we could do this next year sometime. BUUUUT, my husband isn't as willing and eager as I am. Unfortunately when I suggested this idea, he responded with the fact that he'd still rather adopt over doing IVF. I'll be honest, my first reaction to this was a tiny bit of disappointment. The longer I've had to think about it, the more I feel he's right.

So as of right now, I can say that we'll be adopting some point in the next year or two. AHHH. Now, there's still a lot of researching and information that needs to be gathered. I'm hoping we can make appointments with a few agencies in the area and get more information. I'd also still like to get information on IVF and then sit down and compare the two once we know more about them. All I know is that the idea of having a baby - whether biological or not - excites the crap out of me. I have so much love to give.

So for once in a long time, I am looking forward to the future. We'll take this year to get our stuff in gear and finances figured out. And then, hopefully we can welcome home a new baby somehow someway.

WEEEEEEE!!! :)

Thoughts...about IVF

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I blame it on all of the infertility blogs I follow. 80% of the people are all doing their IVF treatments right now and I have to say... it leaves me feeling jealous. I'm honestly finding myself thinking more and more about IVF. It scares me. It scares me because I have no idea how we'd ever afford it. The financial obligation is just too overwhelming to me. We're literally saving everything we can this year so we can pay off our student loans at the end of the year. We are so excited to be "debt free" (still have house and car) for once in our lives and the idea of adding another loan for IVF really depresses me. I think I need more information really. How does it work? Is a loan our only option?

Bottom line is that I watch other parents with their children and their children have bits and pieces of each parents' personalities. I love that. I want a little version of my hubby running around. Or a little girl who is like me. I want to grow and build a family with my husband. I want to partake in those conversations about what giving birth is like.

I'm going to make it my goal to research and do all I can to figure out ways to afford IVF. I'm going to save as much of my side business money as I can. If I could save $10K from that this year, that would be a huge chunk to put towards it. Is it possible? I suppose... but it will be EXTREMELY difficult and I'll have to work really hard. Is it wise to put all of our other dreams and goals on hold for this? We want to move out of our house.... but can we do that and this and think about paying for daycare potentially? Will we be able to afford that?

Seeing all of the other people go through it makes me feel like we can do it too. I suppose it has given me a little hope and opened my eyes to the idea of it. It doesn't hurt that every single person has gotten pregnant on the first attempt.

Am I crazy? Or is this a good goal? If you have any advice on how to raise money for something like this, please share your thoughts.

What does it feel like after 2 years?

I was laying in bed last night and remembered that exactly 2 years ago (on new years eve), we told our best friends that we were ready to start a family and were going to start trying. How can that be? I remember hitting the one year marker of trying to conceive and thinking to myself how impossible the thought of doing this for 2 years seemed. I actually had a thought in my head at that time along the lines of -- "wow, those poor people that have to do this for 2 years, that has to be rough". I had absolutely no idea we'd be in that category someday. And the hardest part is that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Life is hard sometimes. I know last year I had a really tough time at Christmas. This year, it wasn't as difficult... maybe that's what happens over time. Maybe you slowly have time to accept what could be your fate and get used to the idea. Who knows...  I have had my fair share of moments this month tho. A good friend of ours is pregnant with #2 - we're happy for them obviously, but of course there are the ever nagging twinges of wondering why that can't be you. Then a friend of those friends who sort of have become our friends announced they were expecting with a cute photo on facebook of her belly with a tag on it saying not to open until July. That was a tiny stab to the heart as well.

You see, I'm happy about where we're at... we're focusing on our finances and that's what needs to happen right now. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to see things like that and it doesn't mean that it isn't something that I still hold on to hope that we'll be able to do. It's a very very strange thing and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this position.

All I know is that when they say that when you finally stop trying, that's when it happens -- they are lying. Whoever had that happen, it was pure coincidence. People used to tell us that all the time when I told them we were done with IUIs and doctors appointments. Now they are silent. They've all watched the months roll by and know that it should have happened by now.

Life is tough, that's for sure. Some people have it so easy. They decide they want kids, they try, they conceive, and it happens. It's what I would call, meant-to-be. Am I not meant to be a mother? I'm not sure... I guess that question is still to be answered.

I was at my aunt-in-law's house over the holidays and she has 2 adopted children. Well the one girl is from India and I've always sort of bonded with her - she's an artist as well and loves to show me her drawings. I was looking through her sketchbook and she had drawn a series of things with little sayings next to them. One of the sayings was "DNA does not make a family, love does". Ummm...cue the tears please. She's only 13, so I didn't want to start crying in front of her, but I honestly felt like that was a strong message I needed to hear. It was a beautiful moment. I sort of looked around and realized that not one person in that family treats her or her brother any different. Sure, they might "look" different than their mother/father, but they sure are loved and accepted like any other family member and without any questions about it. It's a really really beautiful thing and it made me realize that I do want to adopt. If in another year, I find myself back here on this blog in the same position, I think we may have to consider that option. But then of course, the hesitation starts when I think about the financial burden. How do you pay for something like that? Do you get a loan? Do you take it out of your 401K? I don't have the answers to any of that.... but I'll just hope and pray that our questions get answered and our family grows in the next couple of years.

So that about sums up where I'm at after 2 years of infertility. Fun right? ha..... At least we're not alone.

Update on Infertility Woes

I just wanted to write a quick little post to let everyone know I am still here and still surviving. I hate to just leave the blog after our decision to postpone trying for a bit. I'm still struggling through each and every month with plenty of things that pop up that make me cringe.

I was afraid that as the days went on, I'd feel some sort of remorse or resentment or something growing inside of me. I felt I would want to go back to the fertility doctor and get back to what I "knew" to be my life for so long. What is weird is that hasn't been the case. I have yet to miss my days filled with doctor phone calls and appointments to be poked and prodded. What I do miss is the increased chance of conception. My hubby and I are still trying... but without the medications and helpful placement of sperm, what are the chances of it working? I'm not sure - but I don't let myself go to that place too often. I remind myself of all of the beautiful stories out there of people who have conceived after receiving the most dismal news from their doctors. It's still possible, it's always possible. Never give up.

The holidays are a rough time for me. While I'm thankful that I can indulge in alcoholic beverages, I am somewhat sad that we still don't have a family to start new Christmas traditions with. But that is life and those are the cards we've been dealt so far.

As time goes on, I've become more and more open to the idea of adoption. I know that when the time is right for us, we'll know and we'll move forward with it. Sometimes I wonder tho, will we get too used to our life as just the two of us? I still have moments when I think, I'll never be a grandma - or - who is going to take care of me when I'm old? Those thoughts scare me and I'm not really sure what to do with them.

I wish I had more money. I feel like these next few years while we wait to see what we decide to do should be years that we spend traveling and enjoying our freedom. Unfortunately that costs $$$$ and unfortunately our savings account got depleted this year. I really have no regrets from it, but I will be looking forward to the day when we aren't putting so much money away into fertility and student loans. THAT will be the day of freedom for us.

Well I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving and a very Merry Christmas if I don't talk to you again.
Enjoy your moments with your loved ones!

Is Infertility Genetic?

I found out some interesting information this weekend and it got me thinking whether infertility is passed down through generations? 

We went to my hubby's Grandmother's house to do some painting and fixing of her garage this past weekend. He has an aunt/uncle who live further away that came and since we don't often get to see them, we usually get together on the nights they are here. We were sitting around the dining room table and somehow my hubby's Grandma started talking about babies ... she continued her stories and told me how it took her and her husband 5 years to conceive their first child. FIVE! And back then they didn't have all of these pain-in-my-butt fancy shmancy fertility treatments, so you were pretty much on your own to keep going and keep your fingers crossed. After those 5 years, she popped out the others fairly quickly (she went on to have 3 children). Is this giving you hope yet? Because in a strange way, it did for me.

This side of our family really hasn't known much about what's going on with us. His Aunt asked one day if we were trying or not and I told her yes, but that was the extent. I've been feeling the eyes on me every time they ask if I want a glass of wine ever since. Needless to say, I really wanted to fill them in on our situation - so I took my opportunity. Everyone was pretty shocked and saddened, but that turned into everyone sharing their infertility experiences. I sat and listened.

Grandma: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 after 5 years.

Aunt #1: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 fairly easy. Baby #2: had to be on clomid to achieve pregnancy. Took 5 years.

Aunt #2: Didn't conceive baby 1 until she was 35. Had terrible pregnancy, so adopted 2 children after this.

It got me thinking about genetics and infertility. Technically, my husband's dad did not have any trouble conceiving my hubby and his sister. So.... would his aunts/grandma really affect him? And believe me, I'm not trying to place any blame on any one person. We've done the tests.... and they say everything is fine with my hubby... and my eggs are dwindling. So if blame were to fall on anyone it would be me.

It's all very interesting to think about, but at the end of the day this story gives me hope. Yes, I might wind up being an older mother.... but none-the-less, I'm hopeful that I will still become a mother someday. Who knows if the AMH test I had was accurate. It was one blood test, on one day. I've never had an abnormal period.... so I want to believe that it was a fluke; something I can change. 

Some people just have to wait and try harder than others, but you just have to continue to have faith.

Feeling Guilty

I'm feeling really badly about my last post. It was a little "woe is me" and I don't want to be like that. I know it's not realistic to expect everyone to be on tippy toes around me with the subject of babies. I think I'm just struggling to figure out where my place is. I'm not someone who straight up knew I never wanted to have kids and I'm not someone who just hasn't been ready to try for one yet. I'm in that gray area that nobody really knows or talks about. It's not a fun place to be - you can't just straight up say "We've been trying for 2 years, and I mean REALLY trying - like spent ungodly amounts of money on trying - and we just can't get pregnant". That would probably be frowned upon & would make everyone feel awkward. But saying "we've been trying" doesn't accurately depict the situation. I don't want the "well sometimes it takes time" response that I got that one from my brother. "It took us 6 months to conceive your nephew, you know". ummmm.... thanks?

I just have to be prepared for these situations and enjoy life in the meantime. It's a tricky road to navigate, but I hope I get there eventually.

Bachelorette Parties & Baby Talk? Say What?

I had my future sister-in-law's bachelorette celebration last night and I just want to say that I really did have fun celebrating the night with her & what I'm about to write is just my way of reflecting and getting my feelings out on the page. I'm always afraid someone will find the blog and my writings will offend them or affect our relationship. So if you find this, please don't take it personally.

Anyway, I was pretty pumped about the night. We were going to have dinner with just the bridal party and then everyone was meeting up to go out in the city's downtown. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to face some baby demons on this night. It's a bachelorette party, afterall! Well, unfortunately, it started right at dinner. The bride to be is very excited about trying immediately for a baby. (They were pregnant once before, early in their relationship, and she had a miscarriage. So I'm genuinely excited for them and hope their dreams come true easily and without further heartache.) This got the conversation rolling and I proceeded to have to look at numerous phones with photos of the people's babies on them. Very slowly my heart started to hurt. Talk continued for another 10 minutes about kids... until.... one of the ladies announced she actually just found out she was pregnant. Cue the applause and oo's & ahh's. I don't even know this lady and the fact that she was announcing her pregnancy right in front of me still made me mad. HA! Doesn't she KNOW what I'm going through? It's funny how you think that everyone should know and be sensitive to what they choose to talk about in front of you. Now here starts the best part of the story.

The bride-to-be asked the pregnant lady, "were you guys trying??". ha.... yeah... you guessed it - here's her response: "No, we weren't actually. I have been on nuvaring and something came up where I needed to remove it & there was a 2 week period before I could get an appointment to put it back in, so we just did it without anything and VOILA, now here I am, pregnant".

Knife. In. Heart.

Up until this point I had been putting on the fake smile. The "oh woww... that's so exciting" and the "awww, your daughter is adorable". People would ask, "do you have any kids?" and I'd kindly respond "no, I don't". I was doing really really well! Until that comment. The ultimate knife-in-heart moment for an infertile. My smile turned to a "is it time to get out of here" look and I stopped giving a rats butt for the rest of the night.

I felt pretty alone that evening. I don't know if it was because of what ensued at dinner & how much it really affected me emotionally.... or if I just literally felt kind of alone the whole night. I still can't go to a bachelorette party without thinking about how disappointed I was after my own. People I truly care about and thought cared about me didn't show up and you'd think I'd be able to get over that, but it still hurts. Even my husband wasn't all too happy about that one - nobody from his family showed. And I'm pretty sure they like me.... but maybe not enough to celebrate that night with me. Who knows. I was just glad that I went and got to see her celebrate.

People talking over and over and over about pregnancy and attempting to get pregnant is so hard. Especially if they are someone who knows what I've been through. It's the biggest thing in my life right now.... It'll always be a wound I have and it'll always sting when things like this happen. I just want people to think twice about what they say when I'm around. I'm a pretty strong cookie... and I can handle a lot of stuff others wouldn't be able to in my shoes, however, my heart still breaks and I'm still human.... so a little respect in that area would be nice from time to time. My husband's family knows what we've been through. Well, not the full extent, but they know. And yet, they never ask me about it and they always pretend nothing is happening. My mother in law is always asking for a grandchild.... like it's something I should just be able to give her. And it should be. But it's not meant to be for us.

Tone Down the Excitement

As a bitter infertile....which I expect to always be a part of me....I get really pissed jealous when people talk to me about how excited they are to start trying for a baby. Anyone else out there like this???

I can soooo clearly remember that moment when my hubby and I decided it was officially "time" to start trying. We couldn't wait to go thru the pregnancy experience together, to see what our child would look like, to raise a little baby together. We were soooo excited, I remember literally wanting to tell everyone who walked by me that we were trying. HAHA So yes, I was also guilty of what I'm complaining about at one point. And that's why it hurts me so much right now.

These people get to be excited... and more than likely, everything is going to work out perfectly for them. It'll all be great and go according to plan and their excitement will eventually turn into love for their precious baby in which everyone will celebrate and love as well. Our journey took a different route, it was cut off. We've had to adjust and focus that love we once had for our unborn child on each other instead. It's not easy... especially when others are getting ready to start trying. I get so angry.... I want that moment again.

To All The Childless Peeps Out There

Enjoy your life.... enjoy the silence and moments to yourself you get through-out the day, every day.

I babysat this weekend. I love babysitting. You know why? I get to hand the kids back at the end of the day and that is Heeeaaaavennnnn.

I spent the entire day playing baseball, putting together 3 puzzles, getting bottles, getting cups of juice, slicing grilled cheese into triangles, playing run around for 5 minutes while the kids try to catch me and throw you in "jail". Yup, played that one over and over and over. How do parents do it? I really really actually wonder this. How do they have any time to themselves, ever?

I love these kids more than anything. But it kind of made me realize that maybe I'm actually not ready to be a parent. Maybe it is a good thing that this didn't work out the way we thought it would. I know you probably get used to it once you have a child... but I don't know that I'm ready to get used to it quite yet. I love not having a schedule and I love not feeling completely exhausted every day.

Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at your life, appreciating all of the good things you forgot you had.

Love This - A Little Humor & Insight

I just found this series on another infertile's blog.... ha.... it's amazing!

If you want a laugh during this journey, watch. If you want to know more about what it is like and the things we do, watch.

FIND IT HERE
"None in the Oven"

hmmmmm.... Monday Ramblings

There's something about fall that makes me sad I don't have a child. I think it's because it's the start of all of the fun family holidays... Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I loved these holidays growing up but the fun part has slowly started to fade as I've gotten older. Things just aren't the same when you're the one responsible for buying all of the presents for people. HAHA. I've always thought that when I have kids, it'll bring some of the magic back to these holidays. I couldn't wait to share in their excitement like my mom used to do with me.

So I'm having one of those down kind of days today. Just wishing I could dress my little baby up in the cutest little leggings and long sleeve shirts and socks... keep them all bundled up in adorable fall outfits & warm winter jammies. Cuddle them at night as I feed them a bottle. All of those things that I may never experience.

This is when I remind myself of my brother & sister-in-law. They are getting married in about a month and will be getting on the conceiving train immediately. I'm grateful that they live in town, so I'll actually have some family that I can be close with.... some nieces and nephews I can be close with. I can't wait for that. It actually was something I was secretly dreading for a while. I wasn't sure how I would react and I really didn't want to be jealous or upset that she was pregnant and I was not. I hate having those feelings. I think now that I'm on the road to accepting our fate, it makes it easier to embrace these changes that will occur someday. I can now look at their child as someone I can take care of and spoil. ......................annnnnnnd hand back when it starts crying hysterically. HAHA.

Good thing the holiday season is busy!

Random Friday Thought

I just had to write down that I love how pregnant people always say "I don't care, as long as it's a healthy baby" when you ask them what sex they are hoping for. It's like - really??? Do they really think that anyone thinks they AREN'T wishing for a healthy baby? Why do they even need to say that?

To me, that response is just as bad as the "just relax and it will happen" response.

We all know you have a preference for what sex it should be. It doesn't mean that if it doesn't turn out that way that you will not love your child. It's just a fun game to play.... so start playing.

That is all.
Happy Friday.

Youch!

Well, I'm at work this morning, so that's at least a good sign. I have been having cramp-like pains the last 2 days, every day I just assume the always-annoying-Aunt Flow was arriving soon. This morning was just like the other two days... woke up feeling a crampy feeling in my uterus. Went to the bathroom, no AF. oooookayyyy. So I started getting ready for work and something crazy happened that I've never experienced before. Sudden cramps. They started out normal but soon escalated to mind numbing, crippled over, sweat-down-my-back type of pains. What's happening??? It literally is the most intense stabbing pain ever and it feels like it's my uterus, but I suppose it could be my intestines too. TMI alert, I would go to the bathroom and it seemed to get better....slowly.....  So then I'd go back about my business (after downing some tylenol). I was almost done curling my hair when it hit me again. Same thing all over again -- this time worse.... I wound up laying on the floor praying the pain to go away. Finally I forced myself up and went to the bathroom again and once again it slowly got better.  ????? what the heck!

Maybe I should be calling a doctor or going to see someone, but so far it hasn't occurred a third time. I took another tylenol and I'm hoping that I'm safe now. People might look at me weird if I am curled up in a ball under my desk.

IF it does happen again, don't worry, I'm leaving work and I'll definitely be calling someone.

Lordy.... this better not be what it is like when AF arrives now.