What does it feel like after 2 years?

I was laying in bed last night and remembered that exactly 2 years ago (on new years eve), we told our best friends that we were ready to start a family and were going to start trying. How can that be? I remember hitting the one year marker of trying to conceive and thinking to myself how impossible the thought of doing this for 2 years seemed. I actually had a thought in my head at that time along the lines of -- "wow, those poor people that have to do this for 2 years, that has to be rough". I had absolutely no idea we'd be in that category someday. And the hardest part is that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Life is hard sometimes. I know last year I had a really tough time at Christmas. This year, it wasn't as difficult... maybe that's what happens over time. Maybe you slowly have time to accept what could be your fate and get used to the idea. Who knows...  I have had my fair share of moments this month tho. A good friend of ours is pregnant with #2 - we're happy for them obviously, but of course there are the ever nagging twinges of wondering why that can't be you. Then a friend of those friends who sort of have become our friends announced they were expecting with a cute photo on facebook of her belly with a tag on it saying not to open until July. That was a tiny stab to the heart as well.

You see, I'm happy about where we're at... we're focusing on our finances and that's what needs to happen right now. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to see things like that and it doesn't mean that it isn't something that I still hold on to hope that we'll be able to do. It's a very very strange thing and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this position.

All I know is that when they say that when you finally stop trying, that's when it happens -- they are lying. Whoever had that happen, it was pure coincidence. People used to tell us that all the time when I told them we were done with IUIs and doctors appointments. Now they are silent. They've all watched the months roll by and know that it should have happened by now.

Life is tough, that's for sure. Some people have it so easy. They decide they want kids, they try, they conceive, and it happens. It's what I would call, meant-to-be. Am I not meant to be a mother? I'm not sure... I guess that question is still to be answered.

I was at my aunt-in-law's house over the holidays and she has 2 adopted children. Well the one girl is from India and I've always sort of bonded with her - she's an artist as well and loves to show me her drawings. I was looking through her sketchbook and she had drawn a series of things with little sayings next to them. One of the sayings was "DNA does not make a family, love does". Ummm...cue the tears please. She's only 13, so I didn't want to start crying in front of her, but I honestly felt like that was a strong message I needed to hear. It was a beautiful moment. I sort of looked around and realized that not one person in that family treats her or her brother any different. Sure, they might "look" different than their mother/father, but they sure are loved and accepted like any other family member and without any questions about it. It's a really really beautiful thing and it made me realize that I do want to adopt. If in another year, I find myself back here on this blog in the same position, I think we may have to consider that option. But then of course, the hesitation starts when I think about the financial burden. How do you pay for something like that? Do you get a loan? Do you take it out of your 401K? I don't have the answers to any of that.... but I'll just hope and pray that our questions get answered and our family grows in the next couple of years.

So that about sums up where I'm at after 2 years of infertility. Fun right? ha..... At least we're not alone.

Update on Infertility Woes

I just wanted to write a quick little post to let everyone know I am still here and still surviving. I hate to just leave the blog after our decision to postpone trying for a bit. I'm still struggling through each and every month with plenty of things that pop up that make me cringe.

I was afraid that as the days went on, I'd feel some sort of remorse or resentment or something growing inside of me. I felt I would want to go back to the fertility doctor and get back to what I "knew" to be my life for so long. What is weird is that hasn't been the case. I have yet to miss my days filled with doctor phone calls and appointments to be poked and prodded. What I do miss is the increased chance of conception. My hubby and I are still trying... but without the medications and helpful placement of sperm, what are the chances of it working? I'm not sure - but I don't let myself go to that place too often. I remind myself of all of the beautiful stories out there of people who have conceived after receiving the most dismal news from their doctors. It's still possible, it's always possible. Never give up.

The holidays are a rough time for me. While I'm thankful that I can indulge in alcoholic beverages, I am somewhat sad that we still don't have a family to start new Christmas traditions with. But that is life and those are the cards we've been dealt so far.

As time goes on, I've become more and more open to the idea of adoption. I know that when the time is right for us, we'll know and we'll move forward with it. Sometimes I wonder tho, will we get too used to our life as just the two of us? I still have moments when I think, I'll never be a grandma - or - who is going to take care of me when I'm old? Those thoughts scare me and I'm not really sure what to do with them.

I wish I had more money. I feel like these next few years while we wait to see what we decide to do should be years that we spend traveling and enjoying our freedom. Unfortunately that costs $$$$ and unfortunately our savings account got depleted this year. I really have no regrets from it, but I will be looking forward to the day when we aren't putting so much money away into fertility and student loans. THAT will be the day of freedom for us.

Well I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving and a very Merry Christmas if I don't talk to you again.
Enjoy your moments with your loved ones!

Is Infertility Genetic?

I found out some interesting information this weekend and it got me thinking whether infertility is passed down through generations? 

We went to my hubby's Grandmother's house to do some painting and fixing of her garage this past weekend. He has an aunt/uncle who live further away that came and since we don't often get to see them, we usually get together on the nights they are here. We were sitting around the dining room table and somehow my hubby's Grandma started talking about babies ... she continued her stories and told me how it took her and her husband 5 years to conceive their first child. FIVE! And back then they didn't have all of these pain-in-my-butt fancy shmancy fertility treatments, so you were pretty much on your own to keep going and keep your fingers crossed. After those 5 years, she popped out the others fairly quickly (she went on to have 3 children). Is this giving you hope yet? Because in a strange way, it did for me.

This side of our family really hasn't known much about what's going on with us. His Aunt asked one day if we were trying or not and I told her yes, but that was the extent. I've been feeling the eyes on me every time they ask if I want a glass of wine ever since. Needless to say, I really wanted to fill them in on our situation - so I took my opportunity. Everyone was pretty shocked and saddened, but that turned into everyone sharing their infertility experiences. I sat and listened.

Grandma: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 after 5 years.

Aunt #1: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 fairly easy. Baby #2: had to be on clomid to achieve pregnancy. Took 5 years.

Aunt #2: Didn't conceive baby 1 until she was 35. Had terrible pregnancy, so adopted 2 children after this.

It got me thinking about genetics and infertility. Technically, my husband's dad did not have any trouble conceiving my hubby and his sister. So.... would his aunts/grandma really affect him? And believe me, I'm not trying to place any blame on any one person. We've done the tests.... and they say everything is fine with my hubby... and my eggs are dwindling. So if blame were to fall on anyone it would be me.

It's all very interesting to think about, but at the end of the day this story gives me hope. Yes, I might wind up being an older mother.... but none-the-less, I'm hopeful that I will still become a mother someday. Who knows if the AMH test I had was accurate. It was one blood test, on one day. I've never had an abnormal period.... so I want to believe that it was a fluke; something I can change. 

Some people just have to wait and try harder than others, but you just have to continue to have faith.

Feeling Guilty

I'm feeling really badly about my last post. It was a little "woe is me" and I don't want to be like that. I know it's not realistic to expect everyone to be on tippy toes around me with the subject of babies. I think I'm just struggling to figure out where my place is. I'm not someone who straight up knew I never wanted to have kids and I'm not someone who just hasn't been ready to try for one yet. I'm in that gray area that nobody really knows or talks about. It's not a fun place to be - you can't just straight up say "We've been trying for 2 years, and I mean REALLY trying - like spent ungodly amounts of money on trying - and we just can't get pregnant". That would probably be frowned upon & would make everyone feel awkward. But saying "we've been trying" doesn't accurately depict the situation. I don't want the "well sometimes it takes time" response that I got that one from my brother. "It took us 6 months to conceive your nephew, you know". ummmm.... thanks?

I just have to be prepared for these situations and enjoy life in the meantime. It's a tricky road to navigate, but I hope I get there eventually.

Bachelorette Parties & Baby Talk? Say What?

I had my future sister-in-law's bachelorette celebration last night and I just want to say that I really did have fun celebrating the night with her & what I'm about to write is just my way of reflecting and getting my feelings out on the page. I'm always afraid someone will find the blog and my writings will offend them or affect our relationship. So if you find this, please don't take it personally.

Anyway, I was pretty pumped about the night. We were going to have dinner with just the bridal party and then everyone was meeting up to go out in the city's downtown. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to face some baby demons on this night. It's a bachelorette party, afterall! Well, unfortunately, it started right at dinner. The bride to be is very excited about trying immediately for a baby. (They were pregnant once before, early in their relationship, and she had a miscarriage. So I'm genuinely excited for them and hope their dreams come true easily and without further heartache.) This got the conversation rolling and I proceeded to have to look at numerous phones with photos of the people's babies on them. Very slowly my heart started to hurt. Talk continued for another 10 minutes about kids... until.... one of the ladies announced she actually just found out she was pregnant. Cue the applause and oo's & ahh's. I don't even know this lady and the fact that she was announcing her pregnancy right in front of me still made me mad. HA! Doesn't she KNOW what I'm going through? It's funny how you think that everyone should know and be sensitive to what they choose to talk about in front of you. Now here starts the best part of the story.

The bride-to-be asked the pregnant lady, "were you guys trying??". ha.... yeah... you guessed it - here's her response: "No, we weren't actually. I have been on nuvaring and something came up where I needed to remove it & there was a 2 week period before I could get an appointment to put it back in, so we just did it without anything and VOILA, now here I am, pregnant".

Knife. In. Heart.

Up until this point I had been putting on the fake smile. The "oh woww... that's so exciting" and the "awww, your daughter is adorable". People would ask, "do you have any kids?" and I'd kindly respond "no, I don't". I was doing really really well! Until that comment. The ultimate knife-in-heart moment for an infertile. My smile turned to a "is it time to get out of here" look and I stopped giving a rats butt for the rest of the night.

I felt pretty alone that evening. I don't know if it was because of what ensued at dinner & how much it really affected me emotionally.... or if I just literally felt kind of alone the whole night. I still can't go to a bachelorette party without thinking about how disappointed I was after my own. People I truly care about and thought cared about me didn't show up and you'd think I'd be able to get over that, but it still hurts. Even my husband wasn't all too happy about that one - nobody from his family showed. And I'm pretty sure they like me.... but maybe not enough to celebrate that night with me. Who knows. I was just glad that I went and got to see her celebrate.

People talking over and over and over about pregnancy and attempting to get pregnant is so hard. Especially if they are someone who knows what I've been through. It's the biggest thing in my life right now.... It'll always be a wound I have and it'll always sting when things like this happen. I just want people to think twice about what they say when I'm around. I'm a pretty strong cookie... and I can handle a lot of stuff others wouldn't be able to in my shoes, however, my heart still breaks and I'm still human.... so a little respect in that area would be nice from time to time. My husband's family knows what we've been through. Well, not the full extent, but they know. And yet, they never ask me about it and they always pretend nothing is happening. My mother in law is always asking for a grandchild.... like it's something I should just be able to give her. And it should be. But it's not meant to be for us.

Tone Down the Excitement

As a bitter infertile....which I expect to always be a part of me....I get really pissed jealous when people talk to me about how excited they are to start trying for a baby. Anyone else out there like this???

I can soooo clearly remember that moment when my hubby and I decided it was officially "time" to start trying. We couldn't wait to go thru the pregnancy experience together, to see what our child would look like, to raise a little baby together. We were soooo excited, I remember literally wanting to tell everyone who walked by me that we were trying. HAHA So yes, I was also guilty of what I'm complaining about at one point. And that's why it hurts me so much right now.

These people get to be excited... and more than likely, everything is going to work out perfectly for them. It'll all be great and go according to plan and their excitement will eventually turn into love for their precious baby in which everyone will celebrate and love as well. Our journey took a different route, it was cut off. We've had to adjust and focus that love we once had for our unborn child on each other instead. It's not easy... especially when others are getting ready to start trying. I get so angry.... I want that moment again.

To All The Childless Peeps Out There

Enjoy your life.... enjoy the silence and moments to yourself you get through-out the day, every day.

I babysat this weekend. I love babysitting. You know why? I get to hand the kids back at the end of the day and that is Heeeaaaavennnnn.

I spent the entire day playing baseball, putting together 3 puzzles, getting bottles, getting cups of juice, slicing grilled cheese into triangles, playing run around for 5 minutes while the kids try to catch me and throw you in "jail". Yup, played that one over and over and over. How do parents do it? I really really actually wonder this. How do they have any time to themselves, ever?

I love these kids more than anything. But it kind of made me realize that maybe I'm actually not ready to be a parent. Maybe it is a good thing that this didn't work out the way we thought it would. I know you probably get used to it once you have a child... but I don't know that I'm ready to get used to it quite yet. I love not having a schedule and I love not feeling completely exhausted every day.

Sometimes it's good to take a step back and look at your life, appreciating all of the good things you forgot you had.