Life As We Know It

Thanks to a very lovely reader of this blog, I was reminded that I should probably update my readers on what my life looks like today. It makes sense that when someone goes silent on a blog like this, you'd think they may have gotten pregnant, had a baby and had no time for anything besides staring into those beautiful eyes. Unfortunately that is not the case in my story.

So -- essentially for the last year my husband and I had "given up" on starting a family. And I hate using that terminology because we still have unprotected sex regularly and were still hopeful that we were going to wake up one morning and find out we were expecting a miracle baby. People always say when you stop trying, it happens. But that isn't always the case. I can say that 98% of the time I do not think about babies or wanting a baby. 2% of the time I have thoughts about holidays with my children and having something wonderful like that to live for. I'd say that's not too shabby. In the last year I've been blessed with a niece and nephew and a godchild so I have been incredibly lucky in that I get baby fixes constantly. It's a wonderful thing to be able to hand the baby back at the end of the night and go home to get a full nights sleep.

If there's anything I've learned - it's to ALWAYS look at the positive in your life, not the negative. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before on this blog, but something that helped to put things in perspective for me was this documentary series on Showtime called "Time of Death". If you've seen this, I don't need to say more. If you haven't, it's this crazy ground breaking show that captured 5 or 6 families going through losing a family member. They would follow that person from time of diagnosis til they took their last breath - sometimes even filming their death. It sounds morbid and literally every episode scared me so much, but it was one of the most amazing things I've seen. It changed everything for me. Life could be worse. I'm so so lucky to have a healthy family and to have my OWN health. How can you be upset about anything you're facing when you see REAL stuff like that which so many families out there are dealing with right at this moment.

I've actually started thinking about setting an age in which I will say "enough is enough". Do I really want to be a mother at 38? 40? Eh.... it's everyone's personal choice, but for me, I'd say no. I'm currently 32 and I'm thinking of setting a date for when I just might go back on birth control in order to prevent anything from happening.

So that's my life at the current date. I hope that others out there are having a lot more luck than I am in this department. I'd love to hear your stories!

My 3rd Mother's Day

I thought I'd pop in and say hi and let you all know that I survived another Mother's Day. You know what's weird? It barely hurt this year! I did have a wonderful friend write me a little message sometime that morning just telling me how much she's thinking of me and understands how hard that day must be. I thought that was really nice because this lady is a mother of 2 and pregnant w/ number 3. I doubt she had a whole lot of time in her day to send that message off and it meant so much!

I think I've just become so much more comfortable in my kidless skin. It's a wonderful thing when you can embrace it! I think for some, it takes a lot longer than others. And for other people, it may never happen - in which case I think it's fair to say you need to be a mother one way or another! Life is certainly strange and it sort of baffles me that I have more moments when I'm grateful for not having a child than I have moments when I'm envious of others with babies. When did THAT happen?! You know? I swear I used to go almost every day thinking about babies and being pissed off when I saw a cute photo on Facebook or heard even my closest friends talking about their kids. Now I can separate in my mind that that's THEIR life and this is MY life and they don't have to be the same. One is not better than the other.

I hope my blog can at least offer others hope that no matter what your situation turns into, you can find peace one way or the other. Some will decide to adopt. Some will go with IVF. Some will naturally conceive. All of these things will be the biggest blessings in your life. But the greatest gift is when you can fully accept your life and where you are in your journey.

My biggest advice:  Don't let age freak you out. Time is a bitch.... it's what made me a crazy mad person for a good year. I literally convinced myself I could hear it ticking away and with that went all of my hopes and dreams in life. WRONG! So wrong.... embrace your journey. So what if everyone else has their 3rd kid by the time you might be having your first. Your journey is YOURS and just be thankful for every day that you're here and you're healthy - with a loving husband and family to support you. I know- it's easy for me to say.... It definitely takes time to get there. But you will, I promise.

xoxo!

The Battle of the Why Me's

For those of you out there with diminished ovarian reserve, do you ever wonder WHY the eff does it have to be me.... and at this AGE?!

I'm having one of those moments and I'm sure I've had about 400,000 of them throughout this process. I mean, I was 28 when I started this process. Not exactly OLD by any means. And while the months passed, I've had to read numerous gossip articles about 40-something year old women in Hollywood conceiving their first child. WHAT THE HELL! How is that even fair that someone of that age doesn't have to worry about a thing and a freaking healthy 28 year old cannot conceive? I know... they might be using fertility treatments. But honestly, I know so many women who are 2, 4, 10 years older than me and have conceived naturally. Oh, and it only took them 2 months!!!

So this is just me giving a big EFF YOU to the universe for making this my reality.

Thank you for listening.

Holy Crap! Breast Pain & Caffeine

I'm about to share more than I should in some ways, but that's just what this blog is.

I went to the bathroom and found I had gotten my period. I was shocked and surprised and had to quick think about what day of the month it was and if it really was that time. The 22nd. Yup, that was right. I figured time had just passed without me really noticing any symptoms. That's when I remembered one of my biggest signs my period was coming --- SORE BOOBS. It happens every single month from ovulation until I get my period and guess what? It didn't happen this month.

The only thing that I have changed in the last month or two is having absolutely zero caffeine. I used to get vanilla lattes every tuesday and thursday as a treat after working out (ha!) .... but recently I've changed my order to be DECAF. I never have soda. I switched my teas at home to decaf only.

I have to be honest, we're on year 3 of trying and up until this point, I never thought caffeine could effect the body like they say during baby making. I only had it twice a week and there's no way that could effect me, right? Wrong.

I immediately googled and found a few online articles that say caffeine increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is actually the stress hormone found in the body so just imagine how bad that can be for you when you're trying to conceive. The increased level can interact with other PMS hormones and cause sore boobs!

This discovery makes me happy because:
A) it shows that caffeine (even in a small amount) can effect your body
B) I no longer have to have sore boobies (it was sooo painful!)

I hope this helps others out there who are questioning whether it's really that important to give up the caffeinated beverages or not.

Irony

Last night I went to Target and picked up some awesome Essie nail glaze (it's supposed to seal your nails so the polish lasts a lot longer). As I was painting my nails, I remembered something about my childhood. When I was in middle school or early high school, I remember hearing a news story where they were bringing up the risk of nail polish causing infertility in women. I have no idea how true this is/was because I never really looked further into it, but I distinctly remember being frightened at that age. I instantly had flashbacks to all of the times I painted my nails and I thought to myself, "I'm doomed!".

After this happened, I honestly didn't wear nail polish for a LONG TIME. I probably held out until I was in my mid 20s and by that point I hadn't heard anything further about it, so I decided it was "safe" to do again.

How's that for irony. My 12 year old self was worried about infertility and now here I stand. Which makes me wonder.... WAS IT THE NAIL POLISH?!? hahaha.... just kidding, I'm sure it isn't.

Needless to say - I'm currently of the attitude of SCREW IT, I'm painting my nails if and when I want to!

Life is strange sometimes. I wonder if there was a part of me that knew I'd have this problem one day. It honestly wasn't the first time I'd had the fear of not being able to have children. I truly believe I knew deep down but would tell myself that I was crazy.

Food for thought.

Awesome Snail Mail

Came home today to find this awesome gem in our mailbox. Thanks for rubbing it in, insurance company.

Anyone else have a case of the Back-and-Forths?

When I say that this journey is a rollercoaster, I MEAN IT!
Up and down and back and forth, that's what my life is made up of when it comes to babies and having children.

If I had the chance to have sex the normal way and conceive fairly easily, I would have a child.

But since that isn't an option, it really begs you to answer the question of "do I really want kids?". "Should I really be doing this?". "How do I want to go about this?". Those questions scare the living begeezers out of me and honestly, the answers change on an almost daily basis.

I went through a good month-long phase where I wanted a baby and I wanted one really badly. I was convinced I would adopt and I'd live in a wonderful world of bliss forever and ever. Now, today, I feel the opposite. I feel like, maybe I don't really NEED a child to make my life meaningful and happy. So what is the answer for me? I HAVE NO IDEA!

Since my last post, I've contacted an adoption agency in the area and got a handful of information from them. Information on the types of adoptions and the costs of those adoptions and a few generalized FAQs. The lady also informed me of informational meetings that they do once a month, if I was interested in attending. I suddenly got cold feet. I'm not ready!! I told her that we'd let her know if/when we are ready and we'll register for one of those meetings at that point.

Seriously people, this is the hardest decision of my life. I know that people who have kids will say there are plenty of days when they wish they didn't. And I also know that people who didn't have kids will say there are days when they really regret it. So that doesn't help.

I found a few discussions on Reddit where people have asked certain age ranges without kids if they ever regret their decision to not have them. It's a bit eye opening. Many people with kids still end up dying alone in a nursing home. Many people without kids were still able to make a very meaningful and fulfilling life for themselves - doing charity work and things that inspired them. I love that! I mean, we really do only have one life to live, why not live it up? Go on vacations whenever you want... become more knowledgeable in the areas you're interested in... sleep....sleep... and sleep (whenever you feel like it). :-P

It's worth a read... (I still haven't made it through all of these, but wanted to share them with you).

LINK 1

LINK 2

LINK 3

LINK 4

I guess what I've learned from all of this is that I won't ever stop struggling with whatever decision we make. AND if we do decide to adopt, that child will be loved beyond any kind of love that can ever be given. We'll have really thought this through and researched and we'll know we're making the best decision for us.

In the meantime tho.... you will continue to think I'm nutty since I don't know if I want kids & I keep going back & forth about it.

Can I just go back to being 5 please? ahhh, to live in a state where you have NO idea the kinds of decisions that adults are making on a daily basis.