I was laying in bed last night and remembered that exactly 2 years ago (on new years eve), we told our best friends that we were ready to start a family and were going to start trying. How can that be? I remember hitting the one year marker of trying to conceive and thinking to myself how impossible the thought of doing this for 2 years seemed. I actually had a thought in my head at that time along the lines of -- "wow, those poor people that have to do this for 2 years, that has to be rough". I had absolutely no idea we'd be in that category someday. And the hardest part is that there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.
Life is hard sometimes. I know last year I had a really tough time at Christmas. This year, it wasn't as difficult... maybe that's what happens over time. Maybe you slowly have time to accept what could be your fate and get used to the idea. Who knows... I have had my fair share of moments this month tho. A good friend of ours is pregnant with #2 - we're happy for them obviously, but of course there are the ever nagging twinges of wondering why that can't be you. Then a friend of those friends who sort of have become our friends announced they were expecting with a cute photo on facebook of her belly with a tag on it saying not to open until July. That was a tiny stab to the heart as well.
You see, I'm happy about where we're at... we're focusing on our finances and that's what needs to happen right now. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to see things like that and it doesn't mean that it isn't something that I still hold on to hope that we'll be able to do. It's a very very strange thing and it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in this position.
All I know is that when they say that when you finally stop trying, that's when it happens -- they are lying. Whoever had that happen, it was pure coincidence. People used to tell us that all the time when I told them we were done with IUIs and doctors appointments. Now they are silent. They've all watched the months roll by and know that it should have happened by now.
Life is tough, that's for sure. Some people have it so easy. They decide they want kids, they try, they conceive, and it happens. It's what I would call, meant-to-be. Am I not meant to be a mother? I'm not sure... I guess that question is still to be answered.
I was at my aunt-in-law's house over the holidays and she has 2 adopted children. Well the one girl is from India and I've always sort of bonded with her - she's an artist as well and loves to show me her drawings. I was looking through her sketchbook and she had drawn a series of things with little sayings next to them. One of the sayings was "DNA does not make a family, love does". Ummm...cue the tears please. She's only 13, so I didn't want to start crying in front of her, but I honestly felt like that was a strong message I needed to hear. It was a beautiful moment. I sort of looked around and realized that not one person in that family treats her or her brother any different. Sure, they might "look" different than their mother/father, but they sure are loved and accepted like any other family member and without any questions about it. It's a really really beautiful thing and it made me realize that I do want to adopt. If in another year, I find myself back here on this blog in the same position, I think we may have to consider that option. But then of course, the hesitation starts when I think about the financial burden. How do you pay for something like that? Do you get a loan? Do you take it out of your 401K? I don't have the answers to any of that.... but I'll just hope and pray that our questions get answered and our family grows in the next couple of years.
So that about sums up where I'm at after 2 years of infertility. Fun right? ha..... At least we're not alone.
