Thursday, October 24, 2013

Is Infertility Genetic?

I found out some interesting information this weekend and it got me thinking whether infertility is passed down through generations? 

We went to my hubby's Grandmother's house to do some painting and fixing of her garage this past weekend. He has an aunt/uncle who live further away that came and since we don't often get to see them, we usually get together on the nights they are here. We were sitting around the dining room table and somehow my hubby's Grandma started talking about babies ... she continued her stories and told me how it took her and her husband 5 years to conceive their first child. FIVE! And back then they didn't have all of these pain-in-my-butt fancy shmancy fertility treatments, so you were pretty much on your own to keep going and keep your fingers crossed. After those 5 years, she popped out the others fairly quickly (she went on to have 3 children). Is this giving you hope yet? Because in a strange way, it did for me.

This side of our family really hasn't known much about what's going on with us. His Aunt asked one day if we were trying or not and I told her yes, but that was the extent. I've been feeling the eyes on me every time they ask if I want a glass of wine ever since. Needless to say, I really wanted to fill them in on our situation - so I took my opportunity. Everyone was pretty shocked and saddened, but that turned into everyone sharing their infertility experiences. I sat and listened.

Grandma: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 after 5 years.
Aunt #1: Got pregnant w/ baby 1 fairly easy. Baby #2: had to be on clomid to achieve pregnancy. Took 5 years.
Aunt #2: Didn't conceive baby 1 until she was 35. Had terrible pregnancy, so adopted 2 children after this.

It got me thinking about genetics and infertility. Technically, my husband's dad did not have any trouble conceiving my hubby and his sister. So.... would his aunts/grandma really affect him? And believe me, I'm not trying to place any blame on any one person. We've done the tests.... and they say everything is fine with my hubby... and my eggs are dwindling. So if blame were to fall on anyone it would be me.

It's all very interesting to think about, but at the end of the day this story gives me hope. Yes, I might wind up being an older mother.... but none-the-less, I'm hopeful that I will still become a mother someday. Who knows if the AMH test I had was accurate. It was one blood test, on one day. I've never had an abnormal period.... so I want to believe that it was a fluke; something I can change. 

Some people just have to wait and try harder than others, but you just have to continue to have faith.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Feeling Guilty

I'm feeling really badly about my last post. It was a little "woe is me" and I don't want to be like that. I know it's not realistic to expect everyone to be on tippy toes around me with the subject of babies. I think I'm just struggling to figure out where my place is. I'm not someone who straight up knew I never wanted to have kids and I'm not someone who just hasn't been ready to try for one yet. I'm in that gray area that nobody really knows or talks about. It's not a fun place to be - you can't just straight up say "We've been trying for 2 years, and I mean REALLY trying - like spent ungodly amounts of money on trying - and we just can't get pregnant". That would probably be frowned upon & would make everyone feel awkward. But saying "we've been trying" doesn't accurately depict the situation. I don't want the "well sometimes it takes time" response that I got that one from my brother. "It took us 6 months to conceive your nephew, you know". ummmm.... thanks?

I just have to be prepared for these situations and enjoy life in the meantime. It's a tricky road to navigate, but I hope I get there eventually.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Bachelorette Parties & Baby Talk? Say What?

I had my future sister-in-law's bachelorette celebration last night and I just want to say that I really did have fun celebrating the night with her & what I'm about to write is just my way of reflecting and getting my feelings out on the page. I'm always afraid someone will find the blog and my writings will offend them or affect our relationship. So if you find this, please don't take it personally.

Anyway, I was pretty pumped about the night. We were going to have dinner with just the bridal party and then everyone was meeting up to go out in the city's downtown. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to face some baby demons on this night. It's a bachelorette party, afterall! Well, unfortunately, it started right at dinner. The bride to be is very excited about trying immediately for a baby. (They were pregnant once before, early in their relationship, and she had a miscarriage. So I'm genuinely excited for them and hope their dreams come true easily and without further heartache.) This got the conversation rolling and I proceeded to have to look at numerous phones with photos of the people's babies on them. Very slowly my heart started to hurt. Talk continued for another 10 minutes about kids... until.... one of the ladies announced she actually just found out she was pregnant. Cue the applause and oo's & ahh's. I don't even know this lady and the fact that she was announcing her pregnancy right in front of me still made me mad. HA! Doesn't she KNOW what I'm going through? It's funny how you think that everyone should know and be sensitive to what they choose to talk about in front of you. Now here starts the best part of the story.

The bride-to-be asked the pregnant lady, "were you guys trying??". ha.... yeah... you guessed it - here's her response: "No, we weren't actually. I have been on nuvaring and something came up where I needed to remove it & there was a 2 week period before I could get an appointment to put it back in, so we just did it without anything and VOILA, now here I am, pregnant".

Knife. In. Heart.

Up until this point I had been putting on the fake smile. The "oh woww... that's so exciting" and the "awww, your daughter is adorable". People would ask, "do you have any kids?" and I'd kindly respond "no, I don't". I was doing really really well! Until that comment. The ultimate knife-in-heart moment for an infertile. My smile turned to a "is it time to get out of here" look and I stopped giving a rats butt for the rest of the night.

I felt pretty alone that evening. I don't know if it was because of what ensued at dinner & how much it really affected me emotionally.... or if I just literally felt kind of alone the whole night. I still can't go to a bachelorette party without thinking about how disappointed I was after my own. People I truly care about and thought cared about me didn't show up and you'd think I'd be able to get over that, but it still hurts. Even my husband wasn't all too happy about that one - nobody from his family showed. And I'm pretty sure they like me.... but maybe not enough to celebrate that night with me. Who knows. I was just glad that I went and got to see her celebrate.

People talking over and over and over about pregnancy and attempting to get pregnant is so hard. Especially if they are someone who knows what I've been through. It's the biggest thing in my life right now.... It'll always be a wound I have and it'll always sting when things like this happen. I just want people to think twice about what they say when I'm around. I'm a pretty strong cookie... and I can handle a lot of stuff others wouldn't be able to in my shoes, however, my heart still breaks and I'm still human.... so a little respect in that area would be nice from time to time. My husband's family knows what we've been through. Well, not the full extent, but they know. And yet, they never ask me about it and they always pretend nothing is happening. My mother in law is always asking for a grandchild.... like it's something I should just be able to give her. And it should be. But it's not meant to be for us.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Tone Down the Excitement

As a bitter infertile....which I expect to always be a part of me....I get really pissed jealous when people talk to me about how excited they are to start trying for a baby. Anyone else out there like this???

I can soooo clearly remember that moment when my hubby and I decided it was officially "time" to start trying. We couldn't wait to go thru the pregnancy experience together, to see what our child would look like, to raise a little baby together. We were soooo excited, I remember literally wanting to tell everyone who walked by me that we were trying. HAHA So yes, I was also guilty of what I'm complaining about at one point. And that's why it hurts me so much right now.

These people get to be excited... and more than likely, everything is going to work out perfectly for them. It'll all be great and go according to plan and their excitement will eventually turn into love for their precious baby in which everyone will celebrate and love as well. Our journey took a different route, it was cut off. We've had to adjust and focus that love we once had for our unborn child on each other instead. It's not easy... especially when others are getting ready to start trying. I get so angry.... I want that moment again.